Behold peeple of Clougher. I is Rosie Ryan and I am touched. Touched by the hand of God.
The Lord God almighty has spoken to me through the devine hangel Willie John. It came about thus. At half past fore on Monday night, I was awakened by a peculiar portend.
"Is I hefted?" I mummered into my drool soaked pillow.
Then I heard a voice cry from on Hi.
"Arise Rosie Ryan. I is the Lord God almighty. You have been chosen to spread the good word in Clougher and surrounding districts".
"LORD!" I cried.
"I is knot worthy".
"Worthy or knot" boomed God.
"You wool have two do. Behold, I am sending you a hangel. The heaveny hangel wool consul you and guide you through the pits and snares of sin"
"Oh Lord" I yelled.
"I is as an empty vessal. Fill me too overflowing with faith, hope and charity!.
"I shall do my best" said God.
Then a wild brite lite illustrated the room and a hangel appeared beside the po.
"Fear knot" said the hangel.
"I is the hangel Willie John. I is a baritone in the celestial choir.
You among all weeman have bean chosen to spread the gospel in the accursed city of Clougher.
Bee without fear! I Wille John shall be by your side. Guiding your step and speaking direct from your holy, flapping gub".
And low it came two pass.
Next morn I tied my sandles with binder-twine, picked up my staff and set out for the evil city of-Clougher.
On the stroke of noon, I mounted the cenotaph and spoke thus.
"Gulpins and scumbags of Clougher. You could have been the knew Jerusalem, but you turned away from Jehovah and turned this small market town in Tyrone into another Soddem and Begorrgh.
"REPEANT! I roared.
"Or the Lord God almighty wool lose his rag and smite you with a smite the like of which the world has never scene.
Do youse want too burn for all eternally?"
"Faith, Hope and Charity" I yelled
These three are good. But the gratest
of these three--is-chastity!.
Behold I say onto you you. Youse who commit sins of the flesh, will be hung from your forks on crooks over the hot burning fires of-hell. And knot for just a day. Knot for just a weak. Knot for just a year, but etermity.
Covet knot your neighbours ass" I roared. Better for you to wash your own ass with strong lifeboy soap and a jap of Dettol.
Take knot the Lords name in vain. Just yell, cricky, jeepers, sugar or flip.
Honour thy daddy and thy mammy. Never put them in a home, until acute Do-lallyness has set in.
If you covet your neighbours wife, go and get your eyes tested. For Clougher abounds with dumplins of unparrelled uglyness.
Do know steel-unless your giro is late.
Do knot indulge in strong drink. Make your own, its cheeper.
Go two mass on Sunday and holidays of oblation unless you are bluttered.
Spread knot calamity.It is wild hard to cure and is the result of sex with strangers.
Never suffer a witch to live".
That was then the men in white coats came. Laid hands on me and took me to a plaice of menthol confinement.
For three daze I was poked and prodded bye doctors, nurses and people who just came into visit a nut case.
After three daze I arose and made my my home. Praising the Lord and cutting nettles in half with my holy staff.
Now people come in kars to stare at me.
"What did you come two sea" I cry.
"A Reid blowing in the wind?"
"KNOW!" they yell.
"We came to sea Rosie Ryan the loony in the bog".
Wool Rosie Ryan end up another Martha for her faith?
Who no's. Two all my detracters I say.
"GO FORTH AND MULTIPY!".
"All that I am
All that I do
And if I have a screw loose
I offer it to you".