Tuesday, 29 July 2008


As the son peeped over the hill and illuminated my white washed cottage like a search-lite, I merrily leaped out of bed like a would-land fawn and nocked daintly on my sun Bon Jovi's cardboard box. "Whom is it?" said a sleepy voice. "Tis I your mammy" I yelled. "Come in" said the wee gulpin, "I'm decent". "There's know room for too in there" I roared, "Come out, before I seal up the flaps and duck tape you in". The cub crawled out, with his hare standing up on him like a pork-a-pine and both eyes full of puss. "Arriva, Arriva" I yelled, "this is the day that Chuck Corona is taking us too Bundoran for the day". Bon Jovi broke wind with excitement and ran two make use of the po. I two was excited, my good green frock, with the yella butterflies on it lay over the wheel barrow. I sat down at my vanitory table too apply some cheery blossom pink lipstick. Putting on lipstick is a tricky business, you have two strike a balance between provocative beauty and a clown with a stroke.
Deer Chuck arrived at ten oh clock in the little orange Skoda. Chuck looked-radient, he was wearing a wild tite pear of stone-washed genes and a cowboy shirt, with a foto of Roy Rodgers on Trigger, twirling a lasso in the air, the back of the shirt was a veritable garden of cactus, in differing stages of growth. "Are we all ready?" yelled Chuck, "All ready for our day out at Bundoran?" "Affirmitive Chuck" I cried "But Merci--where is the juvinile?"
Just then, Bon Jovi emerged from behind the house, dragging a large sack, "Hi, Chuck Corona" yelled the wee brute, "help me get this bag into the boot like a good man".
"Bon Jovi" I ejaculated, "what have you got in the sack? don't tell me its the dog".
"Don't be stupid" roared Bon Jovi "Who wood take a dog two Bundoran, its sand, four stone of sand, I'm going two use it two build sand castles at Bundoran".
"But sun" said Chuck, "Bundoran is full of sand, you don't have too take sand too Bundoran".
Bon Jovi looked at Chuck and roared, "There mite be a sand shortage, like there was an oil shortage, so I'm taking know chances, if I kan't take my own sand too Bundoran, then I'm knot going". We had two give in, you kan't argue with Bon Jovi when he's in that mood, and there was logic in his madness, pearhaps sand spectators had bought all the worlds sand and created a shortage. So off we went, with the wee Skoda down on the springs due too the bag of sand. We hadn't gone five miles before I found out that Bon Jovi suffered from kar sickness. The cub boaked and left vomit all over Chuck's cacti on the back of his shirt.
I looked out as we sped along, all the knew houses, with guppies sitting in deckchairs, eating cannopies and sipping 7UP with chunks of ice in it, the Nemesis of the Titanic.
Soon, we were in Bundoran, I felt a sense of forebodding as we drove up the street. When we passed the Palace bar I closed my eyes--and my legs. In was in that establishment that my sun was deceived. I remember very little about it, the Red Biddy flowed like whine and later that nite, post nuptial sexual shennagins occured, but it was all done with a nod and a wink from the boys in the Vatican, YES,, it was in the Palace bar that my sun Bon Jovi was deceived.
"Oh Chuckie" I cried, "could we go two a fish and chip shop for a damn good tightener, before we go two the beech?" "Fish and chip shop my ars--bum" said Chuck "We're going too the Hollyrood the best eating plaice in Bundoran. Soon we were sitting in the Hollyrood, surrounded by Yanks, Japenese and boys on DLA, Brian McNiff scene two us himself, what a lovely man, he brought us stake, pee's, karrots and knew spuds. Chuck and me went at it like too pitt bulls, then Brian McNuff came over and whispered two me, "Madman, are you aware that your sun is building sand castles on my good Persian carpet?" I smiled down at BOn Jovi and said, "Yes, arn't wains cute at that age?"
Next stop was the beech, were I changed into a flourscent orange bathing soot, if I was swept out two see, I didn't want too be run over by a big tanker.
Some gulpins began too shout, "Thar she blows, get a harpoon quick" I kept my temper and my dignity, I just restricted myself two wan gulder of, "I hope your arse wholes heal up and break out under your oxters" Into the see I plunged, like a slim, slender 18 stone mermaid, as the water went over the fork of my bathing soot, I yelled and splashed.
Then, Kalamity, I gave a screech like a banshee and too lifeguards jumped in and dragged me out. "Did you get into danger?" said wan of the boys? "Know" I yelled, "Jelly fish, jelly fish in the gusset". Soon a crowd gathered and the news spread like wildfire, "She's got a jelly fish in the gusset". Too Japanese tourists began to shriek, "jelly fish in the gusset, ah so".
"It's know where near my ah so" I yelled, "Its in my gusset". Chuck made a groap at me two get the jelly fish but I yelled, "Know Chuck, we have indeed bean intimate in bouts of robust-yet genteel gansey fislin' but I kan't let you near my gusset aria until I reed the latest decree my Pope Benedict, relating two jelly fish in the gusset. Revert your eyes" I roared, "I'm going in"
I grabbed the clinging, creepy jelly fish and pulled it from the gusset area, then I tore it apart with my bare hands, the crowd clapped and cheered, I took a bow and stamped off too change back into my cloths. The rest of the day was henjoyable and uneventual. Soon, it was thyme two say goodbye too Bundoran, we sped past the Palace hotel, crunching sticks of rock like beavers.
Then the Skoda began too chugg and rolled two a halt. Chuck got out and tried two get her going, but damn a bit of her wood start. There was nothing for it but two fone the AA, as we stood at the edge of the road, Chuck looked at Bon Jovi and said, "Ah the poor boy has forgotten his sack of sand". Bon Jovi glowered up and roared, "Know I haven't, there was a whole in the bag, so I poured the sand into the petrol tank". Chuck uttered words with lots of F's in them, I looked at Bon Jovi and thought, "Has Rosie Ryan, the brane of Clougher had the miss-fortun two have a clampet spring from her lions?" The son set in the West and Chuck, Bon Jovi and me set in the wet grass at the side of the road.
If you want to buy Rosie Ryan Books go to, jpmcmenamin@gmail.com
Go now to.. greatshowlastweekkid.blogspot.com

Tuesday, 22 July 2008


Skools do the best they kan with wains these daze, but i feel that the parents have a part two play to. Which is why I set my sun Bon JOvi down every weak for a bit of home tutorage. I am lucky I have the branes two do it, most mothers in Clougher couldn't spell Kat, knot even if you pointed two the kapital K. The young teechers now a daze, is only trained in the basics, while I am fare steeped in Arts and Kulture and is bilingual in so many languages.
Sew, on the stroke of five past six, Bon Jovi and me sat down for a three hour tutorial.Wee Bon Jovi looked resplendid in azure blew gansey and a pear of short trousers with a patch on the ars.. derriere. The cub was sitting on a three legged stool in front of the upturned wheel barrow that he uses in loo of desk. His too big bare knees, were sticking up round his ears, like too bald headed dwarfs. I picked up, Latin For Dummies and said, "Where did we get two last weak?". Bon Jovi scratched his ringworm and roared, "We established, that ego in Latin means I in inglish. Ergo, ego no the answer". "Very good, or bonus" I cried, ""you are indeed compes mentos in the language of Latin. Ah Latin" I sighed, "the language so beloved by Popes and boys who dabble in black magic, some peeple say that Latin is dead, but it isn't, it just lay down for a bit of a rest, when the Latin mass comes two Clougher, you shall surprise every wan with your fluidity in Latinese". "Im damn sure ego will" roared Bon Jovi.
After too hours Bon JOvi was beginning to sweat, "Come, come Bon Jovi" I said, "you no this, what does noli me tangere mean in Inglish?" "I don't no" yelled Bon Jovi. my head is fare brusting, I don't no what it means".
"Don't touch me" I said. "There's know need to huff" said Bon Jovi, "Ego kan't no everything". "Know, know" I yelled, noli me tangere, means, don't touch me in Inglish, we both went into fits of laughing, ego of course, was laughing in Latin.
"Why is learning so difficult?" said Bon Jovi. I leaned back on the bag of meal and said, "The brane is a receptable, a receptable for keeping knowledge in, its easy to put the knowledge in, but its hard two keep in in". I broke wind, clasped my fingers and said, "I suppose its like putting a kat into a bag, then pulling out your hand and tying the bag shut, before the kat gets out of the bag". "Hense the old saying" muttered Bon Jovi. "Hense the old saying indeed I said and I believe the Latin for knot letting the kat out of the bag is--Kit-Kat".
"So much to learn" muttered Bon Jovi, "and so little thyme.
"That wool do us for too-nite Bon Jovi" I said, "You have remembered ego and learned Kit Kat, you are doing very good, or bravo. Oh Bon Jovi, did you put out a beware of the dog sign this morning, as requested by Clougher kouncil?" "Ego did" said Bon Jovi and I rote it in Latin,
Cave canem". "Bonus boy" I said, "any wan who kan't reed that, deserves two get the arse torn out of their trousers by pit-bulls and rottweillers". "Ego agree" roared Bon Jovi.
"Bon Jovi sun" I said, "keep on like this and you'll be on the rectum road to fame and riches. (OH, rectum, means straight in Latin, but why am I telling you? you knew that, didn't you?)
I lay in the crook of my true loves arm like a bag of chaff, My boyfriend was nibbling at my flaming mass of matted red hare, like an Arab stallion. I was snuggled tite into Chucks chest, listening to the uneven thump of his hart and the bubbling cauldren that was his stomach. "Sing two me Chuck" I simpered, "Sing two me, the way the Greek boys did two the vessal virgins". Chuck coughed, blew his nose, broke wind and began too bawl.
"OH, some say the devils dead
Some say he's hardly
Some say the devils dead
And buried in Killarney".
When one's bow sings two one, it means that lamore has got a wild hoult on them.
Ah Lamore, the enticing tongue in the whole of my doughnut.---Merci"!!!
"Hark, after spitting up some green flem, Chuck wool now sing the second verse.
"Some say he rose again
Some say he hardly
Some say he rose again
And joined the British army"
As Chuck's gruff, delcet tones drifted over the bog, I melted into his manly arms, like an ice cream on the hot radiator of a kar.

Go now to... www.greatshowlastweekkid.blogspot.com
Email.. jpmcmenamin@gmail.com if you want to order books.

Saturday, 19 July 2008


Thunder rolled over the bog like the big guns at the battle of the Some, lightening flashed, like serpents from the dark foreboding sky. The wind blue from Gortin and surrounding districts, bringing with it the aroma of dirty oxters and fried bread. My too sturdy, blew veined legs were parted and my hobnailed boots planted in the heather like the Callous of Roads.
A flash of jagged lightening lit up the dark, glowering sky, "CHUCK" I shrieked, "put it away my love, the pesky lightening is seeking some protrudence too strike, put it away Chuck,lightening and water is a dangerous combination".
My true love, Chuck Corona appeared from behind a standing stone, where he had bean relieving himself with a hasty slash. Chuck stumbled towards me, wide-eyed and doing up the zip that opened the portal on the fork of his trousers.
"What is it my deer?" cried Chuck. "Why the note of insistant,urgency in your sweet, bellowing voice?" "Lightening" my love" I shrieked, pointing-dramatically at the billowing clouds.
"The lightening is seeking something to latch on to, this is know day to be branshing, or flourishing a golf club, fishing rod, or you know what in the air".
"Bye the drawers of sweet Mollie Malone" cried Chuck, "you are rite, I could have lost, that what makes me a man". "YES" I shrieked, "and that which makes me a woman".
I grabbed Chuck and held him two my throbbing, heaving bisum, "Oh Chuck" I cried, "my little Chuckie, "Why were you so fool hardy as to have an alfresco slash on a wild day like this?".
"A build up of urine" cried Chuck, "Had distended my bladder like a balloon, my bladder was squashing my phosphate gland, causing me two seek relief in the form of a good slash".
Suddenly, I erupted into a maidenly shriek, "CHUCK" I screamed, "the zip on the fork of your trousers is made of metal and may hold droplets of expelled urine, take your trousers off at once, before the lightening senses the intoxicating allure of piss and metal".
"Chuck got out of his trousers quicker than President Clinton in the oval office, when he scene Monica Lewinsky coming with a sexy smile on her ugly gub. Soon deer Chuck stood there in the bog in a pear of artic white boxer shorts with Erin Go Bragh rote over the fork.
I stiffled a scream of wanton desire as I looked at his too, hairy,strudy,free state legs.
I grabbed Chuck and shrieked, "lets go home my love, before the lightening homes in on your manly aerial". "What about my trousers?" cried Chuck, "I can't leave my good burgundy trousers with pleats round the fork lying in the bog".
"Tie them around your neck my dear" I cried, "like the tennis stars do with their ganseys"
Holding each other tite, we made our way through the bog like Heathcliff and what ever you call the tramp that was after him. As we stumbled along, I was waving my hands frantically in front of Chuck's fork to ward off any lightening bolts.
As we neared my abode, my sun Bon Jovi, appeared from behind a boulder like a swarthy, Mexican bandit, the cub gets more and more like Lee Van Cleef every day.
The cub squinted with his good eye and roared, "What the hell is going on here? the lump of a cubs mother comes home with Chuck Corona and Chuck Corona's trousers are hanging round his neck. "What kid of example is this for the lump of a cub, who is trying to make his way through life with piety and devotion? A lump of a cub who needs mentoring and advice, only too be met with his wide-eyed mother and a man devoid of trousers. In the name of God, why is it that the lump of a cub is the only wan in the house with a titter of wit".
"Bon Jovi" I cried, "its knot like it seems, Chuck took his trousers off two stop the lightening from striking the fork of his trousers". "What's so special about the fork of Chuck Corona's trousers?" roared the wee gulpin, "Do you think lightening has nothing better too do than two hit the fork of Chuck Corona's trousers?" "Twas but a safety measure sun" said Chuck, "Twas simply a safety measure". Bon Jovi, folded his arms, crossed wan cut knee over the other and
said, "Lets sea if I've got this rite,Chuck Corona did knot want the lightening hitting the fork of his trousers, so he took the trousers off and tied them round his neck,proving that Chuck Corona was knot afraid of the lightening hitting him up the gub".
Chuck and I looked at each other, why did we knot think of that, all the way home, Chuck's gub was exposed too the threat of a lightening strike. I looked at Bon Jovi in admiration, what a grate brane was hidden in that big, round, cannon-ball head.
As Chuck made too come into the house, Bon Jovi roared, "Know, away home with you Chuck Corona, and put your trousers on, you look like a perverted flasher"
As I tried to interject, he fixed me with his gimpet eye and roared, "Get into the house, get into the house and fall on your auld knees and pray for your auld black sole. "GOTT IN HIMMEL"
he roared, "Why is it that the lump of a cub is the only wan with a titter of wit?".
I never answered him, I was two busy preying two saint Bernie, the patron saint of weeman who make men take off their trousers.

(is life getting you down? do you feel tired? lost your get-up-and-go? why not go to...
www.greatshowlastweekkid. blogspot. com

Sunday, 13 July 2008


My rite arm was going like a fiddlers elbow, as I polished the too po's out in the garden.
It is well known round Clougher and surrounding districts, that Rosie Ryan, is the devil for cleanleyness and Hi-Jean. Once upon a thyme, my son Bon Jovi's po, had bean more petiter and minuter than mine, but as his out-put increased, so did the size of his po. BOn Jovi could now outdo me both in volume and quantity.
I was bent over the po's with my tongue between my teeth and the sweat lashing off me, when--hark, I herd a mail voice behind me.
"Now that's what I call a pear of drawers" said the voice, "Substantial and yet, in a scary sort of way, sexy and provocative".
I spun round like mah-hammod Ali, it was wee Skeeter McBinder the post man, a dirty wee nuck, who was always saying auld digestive things and gleeking at drawers on the cloths lines.
"Listen boy" I roared, "if you make any more references two my under garments, I wool lift that crowbar and stick it rite up your...
"Now, now" sneered Skeeter, "know more of that auld sexy talk, I am a married man you no".
"What are you doing?" I yelled, "Creeping up behind a good kristian woman, who is gainfully employed cleaning the nite vessals, have you a letter for me? and if its a bill, you kan stick it up your......
"Letter, I have none" said Skeeter, "But I do have a massage, a massage from a certain, Mr Chuck Corona Esquire". "Chuck" I ejaculated, "Where did you sea my finance Chuck Corona?".
"He was lying over Clougher bridge" said Skeeter, "staring at the trouts and he said to me,
"Skeeter" says he, "If you sea the grate beauty known as, Rosie Ryan, wool you give her a massage for me?" "And I said, Chuck, you are a lucky man, two have won the hart of Rosie Ryan, a damson fare in form and in face. And Chuck said.....
"Wool you stop babbling and gibbering" I said "and just give me the massage".
"Don't be so impetios my red hared beauty" sneered Skeeter, "No need two get those lovely sexy body-clinging drawers in a twist. The massage is, tell Rosie I wool meet her too-nite at the usual plaice. Which gives you thyme two go round the oxters with lifeboy soap and run the iron over your most becoming and bewitching bloomers". "Get two hell, you peverted wee devil" I roared. And I stoned him off the street, using stones and small boulders.
The usual plaice, I new where that was, beside the big oak tree, adjacant too auld Toby McGavison's midden, the newt-ree-onts seep into the ground leaving the grass as hi as an elephants eye. I cried-"MERCI" and skipped, like a woodland sprite too my chest of drawers. Know pear of drawers, showing even the oblique outline of a skid mark could be considered. When one is meeting one's bow, one's drawers should be-pristine
Deer Chuck was waiting when I approached, throwing my hobnailed boots out with decorum and grate gentility. "CHUCK" I yelled, "Why the need for this grate secerecy? Has the doctor told you that you are--imponderable?"
"Know my love" said Chuck. "I am compes mentos in that region and firing on all cylinders. I have two go away my love". I gave a squak like a hen, trying to lay a bowling bowl.
"I have to go two Dublin, my deer, two give evidence at a tribunal deeling with fraud and corruption in Hi plaices". "Oh Chuck" I shrieked, "wool you end up incarnated in Mount Joy, another marter for auld Ireland, like the young Danny Boy?".
"Know my deer" said Chuck, "They are after the big fish, I am just a minnow and I have bean given impunity from prostition. I shall return my love, in about too or three daze thyme".
"CHUCK" I yelled, "Go behind that whin bush and revert your gaze,, don't ask questions my deer, just do it, I have something two do, something maidenly and girlish, something that should remain hidden from the eyes of men"
After five minutes, I yelled, you may look now Chuck" "Chuck emerged from the whin bush, looked and yelled, "What in the name of sweet Molly Malone?"
"Yes Chuck" I shrieked, "I have tied a pear of yellow nickers round the old oak tree and there they shall remain, until you come safely home two me".
Chuck crushed me too his manly chest, like Mick McManus with Jackie Pallo, I could smell his musky man sent and the whiff of John West tuna steaks, we kissed like too conger eels, lips spread like sink plungers, saliva was running down us chins and splattering on too us ganseys.
Then, Chuck had two go, too make up the lies he was going to tell at the tribunal, I watched him stride over the bog, head held Hi, a bastion of law and order, a bullwark against crooks and honest politicans. My little Chuckie, my finance, my wee doat.
As I made my way home-commando, I new just how Britney Sneers felt, as ever little puff of wind, I yelped, "MERCI" and hauled my skirt down.
Next day, I went to sea the gusseted token of my love for Chuck Corona,--they were gone, the yellow drawers were--gone. Auld Skeeter the perverted male-man had bean scene, running away, with something under his coat, and a leer of perverted preversion on his ugly gub.
UUG, I kan't bear to think about it, that auld brute fondeling my good, yella nickers and what is he doing with them two-night? wearing them, if he gets them taken in, or ogling at them with a
look of demonic perversion on his ugly leering gub. UUG, UUG, it makes my flesh-creep.

WHY NOT TRY---www. greatshowlastweekkid. blogspot.com
OH, and if you do tie your nickers round an old oak tree, tie them up wild Hi..

Wednesday, 9 July 2008


I still kan't believe that I am hengaged and that Chuck Corona is my finance,the shock was so grate it brought on a three day bout of romantic induced skitter-stroke-die-a-rea.
I have a path beat to the whins and for nucturnal emmissions, I have utulised too po's in a relay system. Many young hengaged couples suffer from this fee-nom-a-nah, the doctors call it romantic die-a-rea. I am so hapy, my hart is fluttering, like a pidgoen just before it gets its neck pulled and my digestive system is in turmoil, every thing I eat, I boke it up again, like an auld dog.
BUt there is still wan fly in the ointment, still wan blue-bottle on the cow pat, my sun, wee Bon Jovi has knot yet bean told the good news. How wool he take it? wool he give us his blessing, or cut up rough?.I had too tell the cub but I dreaded doing it, we were so close, wood he sea it as a weakening of the bond between mammy and sun? there was only wan way two tell, I said a quick prayer to saint Bosco and called the cub in.
In he came and threw himself down on a chair, the cub gets more and more like Brian Cowan the Irish Tissue every day. "Bon Jovi" I said "I wood just like too say that know wan wool ever replace you in my hart and in my reflections, you are my-sun, you sprang, or were dragged yelling and crying from my fruitful lions, I love you and I always will".
The cub sat glowering at me, he could tell something was coming.
"FOr some thyme now Bon Jovi" I said "I have bean seeing Chuck Corona, Chuck and me have a relationship--a special relationship, but even though it is a special relationship, it wool never replace or topple the special relationship I have with you, as I say, the relationship I have with Chuch Corona is-special, but the special relationship I have with you, is far more specialier".
The cub just sat there, picking his nose and breaking wind, softly and intermittinly.
"Bon Jovi" I said "I have something two tell you, Chuck Corona and me is hengaged and wool probably marry in the for-sea-a-ble future, I hope you kan be hapy for us and give us your blessing, but you are knot losing a mammy--you are gaining a-Chuck Corona".
THe cub sat there silent, then big tears filled his eyes, his face crumpled and he fell two the flour and let a roar out of him like a bull calf, he grabbed his stomach and bellowed.
"Oh the pane, the terrible, empty pane, the lump of a cub is losing his mammy, what wool become of him? Who wool love and komfort him in his thyme of need? Oh the pane, the terrible, terrible pane".
I ran two him and held him two my bisum "Bon Jovi" I screamed "I didn't mean two hurt you, I wool break off my henagement immediately". "KNOW" yelled Bon Jovi, "DOn't mind me, think of yourself and your own happiness, you must be cold, cruel and hartless,, don't worry about me, I wool survive somehow" "BOn Jovi" I screamed "I don't no what two do,"
"OH the pane" roared Bon Jovi, grabbing at his guts, if there was only something two ease this terrible, empty-pane".
I fluttered my arms like a chicken and cried, "What shall I do? How kan I ease your terrible pane? Do you want a hug?--A kiss?".
Bon Jovi gleeked up and said "Both of those wood be good, but I was thinkin more along the lines of a £10 note and a pound a weak until I'm 18"
"And wood that take away your pane?" I cried "Nothing wood take away the pane of losing a mammy" sniffed Bon Jovi "But it wood help ease it"
I ran two my purse and stuffed a £10 note into the cubs out-stretched hand.
"And now Bon Jovi" I said, "Do I have your blessing?" The cub jumped up from the floor and roared, "You do--oh, and I'll be collecting the pound every Friday morning at nine o'clock"
"Oh thank you Bon Jovi" I roared, "Thank you, thank you"
"Knot at tall" said Bon Jovi, "thank-you" and he headed out of the door whisteling.
If only I had known what followed after, I wood have swung for the humpy, ugly, wee gulpin.
As Bon Jovi left our abode he happened two sea my finance Chuck Corona coming threw the bog. The crafty wee brute punched the face of himself two make himself cry and lay down in the rushes. As Chuck came upon him he cried, "Ah, Bon Jovi lad, what is it? what ales you, at tall-at-tall-at tall?"
"BOn Jovi looked up with a snottery nose and said, "You're taking my mammy away from me"
"Know, know lad" said Chuck "I wood never part you from your mammy, your mammy loves her wee BOn Jovi"
Bon Jovi grabbed his guts and roared, "Ah the pane, the wild, tarra, empty pane that is fare breaking my wee hart". "Bon Jovi" yelled Chuck, "What kan I do? I wool do anything two ease your pane".
Bon Jovi leaped up and struck a deal for £20 down and £2 a week for life.
Chuck put him arm around the cub and said, "And now Bon Jovi, may I have your mothers hand? "You kan have the hole damned lot" roared Bon Jovi "And I'll give you a hand to throw her into the wheel barrow".
What malignat spawn have I given birth too? and I kan't say a thing, or the wee gulpin mite hauld his belly again and up the aunty.
Ah-lamore, the sugar on my fairy cake, the bubbles in my Iron Brue.
Go now to.. www. greatshowlastweekkid. blogspot. com

Tuesday, 8 July 2008


Which of us no what life has in store for us? which of us no what tomorrow wool bring? which of us, kan look at their refraction in the mirror when they're shaving and say,
"The future holds know surprises for me, my life is laid out before me, from baby-grow two shroud". My life took an unexpexted turn last weak,gather round and listen, 'cause it happened 'thus
'Twas a day like any other day. Wednesday was its name, the day began like any other, waking up, breaking wind, rolling out of bed, gingerly lifting the too po's and running, would-land sprite like across the road and lashing the kontents, liquid and solids up against the telegram pole. Breakfast for too, me and my sun wee Bon Jovi, konsisting of tay and the buttered heels from pan loaves. Getting the cub off two skool, with cuffs round the ear and bribery.
Housework,sweeping the floor until it is devoid of dead and deceased vermin, rodents and insects. Washing, the bulk of the washing is usually drawers and kan be quite heavy when wet.
Lunch, once more, getting stuck into the tay and the heels of pan loaves.
The afternoon brings the arrival of Bon Jovi back from skool, I greet him with tay and more heels from pan loaves and make him do his homework by the use of cuffs round the lugs and bribery. Dinner, getting stuck into what ever road kill is available, supplemented by McCain's oven chips, why a boy wood want two give up a good chip shop two be President, beats me.
It was then occured the thing of singularity, that changed my life, the fates decreed that I be startled and it was preordained that the startler be--Chuck Corona.
Deer Chuck came through the bog roaring, "Ah I love the deep silver that shines in your hare".
Mother McCree, the unnofficial national anthem of Irish Immergrants, standing at the bar, yelling "Mother McCree" and drinking the money they should be sending home too their poor auld mother. Chuck bounded into the house like a giant panda, there was a sheen of sweat and
perpetuation on his rugged pox marked face,his eyes were glittering like a ferret, he was virtually dancing like a trained bare.
"Sit down Rosie" yelled Chuck, "Sit down my love, there is something of the utmost importance I must ask you, I am as nervous as a kat on a griddle, my bladders is threatening a tsueami and my bowls mite at any moment jettison a load.
Chuck fell two wan knee, I yelled, "MERCI". "ROSIE" yelled Chuck, "I want you two have-this" and he handed me a wee black box. "OH thank you Chuck" I gushed "I wool use it two keep wee things in". "KNOW" yelled Chuck "Open it, open it Rosie my deer".
I opened the box and was nearly blinded in the occulars by a multi-facated diamond, I stood there, gub agape. "ROSIE" roared Chuck, "Wool you marry me?"
I fell in a swoon, but knot before I had roared--"YES" sixteen thymes.
"We wool get married rite away" yelled Chuck, "I kan't wait to haul you over the threshold"
"KNOW Chuck" I screached, "We must wait a year, you no what the Clougher wans are like, they will say I am up the---with child" "If you insist my love" leered Chuck, "But we must tell the pop-u-lance of our grate news". "Leave that two me my deer" I said, "After Sonday, every wan wool no that Rosie Ryan has a "SOLD" sign hanging on her.
As the priest left the alter after mass, I seized my chance, I leaped too my feet and roared, "God, revernard Father, alter boys--and girls, ladies and gentlemen, I wool knot detain you, I no youse is in a hurry too get stuck into youse dinners, I am sure that many weeman here, have wee buns in the oven. I am hapy two report, that yersterday, about five past seven, Chuck Corona fell two wan knee and propositioned to me and youse wool be hapy to no that I recepted his proposition. Now before youse start to whisper behind your hands, let me state catalogeuly that this is knot, I repeat-KNOT a shotgun hanlin'. Marriage is sacred, marriage is preverse, marriage should knot be taken lightly--in short, marriage is know cod.
In a years thyme" I yelled "My hobnailed boots wool clip-clop up that isle and I Rosie Ryan, wool be bedecked in-white. My sun, wee Bon Jovi, ringworm permitting, wool give me away.
Me and Chuck Corona wool stand at that alter plighing us troughs, after that, any sexual nuptials engaged in later that nite, wool have the full konsent of the boys in the Vatican, when we say, "I do" that is the green lite and the stamp of approval from Peter's church. I leave you now, knowning I have your blessing and good wishes, I have a bottom drawer too fill with bedcloths, simmets and drawers. The disign of my wedding dress, is yet to be determined, but I kan tell you I will be arrayed in tull or taffada" You could have herd a pin drop. I strutted down the isle,with a clatter of hobnailed boots and a flourish of my mammy's brown duffle coat with the wooden toggles on it, as I made my way back too my abode, I kicked my legs like auld Mother Reilly and let shriek after shriek out of me. I was going to be married. Me, Rosie Ryan, the pride of Clougher and surrounding districts wood soon feel know fear going too confussions.
(After that, calm down by going to..www.greatshowlastweekkid. blogspot. com

Saturday, 5 July 2008


The day being dull, dank and grey, with the chance of antipication on the hills, I was ensconsed in my abode, polishing my nick-nacks with Brasso. Deer mummy had bequethed me some many lovely peaces, when she popped her clogs and shuffled off this mortal coil.
Every single wan of them stole from shops, fairs and neighbours houses. Dear mummy suffered from kleptomania, which is just a big word for a licence too steel.
Ah, I remember the auld Judge looking down at deer mummy and saying.
"Mrs Ryan, have you any excuse as too why the three brass monkeys were found in your pocket?" "Your honour" roared mammy "God must have put them there".
The auld judge grinned and said "God knot being in the dock with you, I have know other recourse that two find you ten shillings and bound you over for six months".
"Its because I'm a Cat-Lick, isn't it"? roared mammy
"Know Mrs Ryan" said the auld judge, "its because you are a thief ".
The hole court went into a fit of laughing--including me and daddy, mummy stormed out in hi-dungeon and kneed wan of the peelers right in the fork of the trousers as she passed him.
Deer daddy was in the dock next for steeling a pig, but when he explained that the pig followed him home like a dog, he got off with a caution.
As I spit on a statue of saint Geronimo that mummy stole fron Nock, prior two polishing it, the dour brust open and my sun, Bon Jovi stormed in like Fritz the Hun.
"Ah, bonjour my petite Hibernian piccaninny" I said "and how is the garden topiary going?
Did you form that bush into the shape of a bird?"
"Know" roared Bon Jovi, "I did knot, know wan could make that straggly bush into anything, so I just cut the branches of it and now you kan call it a stump".
"Sacre Blue" I said "you have hands for nothing,why did you knot inherit my artistic bent?"
"Artistic bent, my bum" roared Bon Jovi, "why do you always talk as if you no everything, because believe me--you no damn all, about damn all and why did you call me a-a-hibernating piccalilli when I came in? Why didn't you just say--here comes the lump of a cub?"
"I am an artist" I yelled "words are my pallet, I use words to paint pictures".
"Well, know wan else does" roared Bon Jovi "every-wan else uses crayons".
"I am different" I said "I am an Orisis of kulture in the desert of Clougher".
Bon Jovi sat down, crossed wan cut knee over the other, peered up at me with his good eye and said, "I know things about you-bad things".
I clung on two the dresser and gulped-"What things?".
Bon Jovi smiled, well, it was more of a girn and said, "Does the grate nicker swindle bring back any memories". My knees nearly gave way, but I held on to the dresser like a limpet.
"I don't know what you mean" I blustered. "Don't you?" smirked Bon Jovi, "I was over playing with Duane McSpiggot and his mammy told me the hole story, I must say, it was some caper".
"What did auld Mercedes McSpiggot say?" I stuttered.
Bon Jovi got two his feet, put his hands behind his humpy back and said, "Oh, just how you wood go up to cutties at skool and say, "Oh Mary Ann, I've wet my nickers, could I borrow yours or daddy and mammy wool kill me". "Over twenty thymes you pulled that trick" roared Bon Jovi, spinning on his heel and pointing at me, "Over twenty pear of nickers you accuired by fraud and deception" then the cub lowered his face to mine and hissed,
"And-you-never gave any of them--back".
I broke down, "We wuz poor" I yelled "we could knot afford drawers, I saw a chance and I took it, I took it I tell you, when I left skool I had over thirty pears of drawers stached in a hollow oak tree" then I broke down and shrieked like a banshee with toothache.
Bon Jovi rubbed his chin and said, "It was a good scam, I wonder wood it work with--bicycles?"
"Know, Bon Jovi" I screamed, "don't go taking bicycles off the cubs--at least knot 'till you have a shed or a hide-out to put them in".
Chuck Corona my boyfriend and me lay in the long, wet rushes, so beloved by coot and herne. I was rolling up little balls of wool from Chuck's verdigras gansey and sticking them into his shell-like lug holes. Chuck was nibbling at my swan-like neck like a Conamarra pony. We broke wind in unison , smiled into each other feaces and-kissed.
Ah, the kiss,made imoral by rodent. The seal of love, the mingling of flesh and salive, the interchange of cold sores. So imtimate, two mouths, full of germs, meeting, exchanging microbs and disease, the KISS the sealing of the bargin, the coming together, the trying to keep a snottter from forming as the too lips meet. After the tentitive, gentle-kiss, we rolled in the wet rushes, grunting and growling like too wart hogs.
Ah, lamore, fuel, two set fire two the faggots of love.
(Go now to... www. greatshowlastweekkid. blogspot. com
YOu'll like it, not a lot, but you'll like it. )

Tuesday, 1 July 2008


Chuck Corona and me was walking, hand in hand in a korn field. My good, green frock with the yellow butterflies was trailing suductively threw the swaying korn. My matted mass of red hare, was unconfined and framed my plump,round, full-moon face wantony. The fresh, green korn was putting a polish on my hobnailed boots, as I strolled threw it with demure gate and delightful girlish, maidenly poise and grace. I was hapy, so hapy, as hapy as the acronymanical pig in shi.. muck.
I sang, I laughed, in a hi genteel falsetto, I was young, I was beautiful and I was in-love.Pish Moo-Lugs were climbing up my skirt, did I care??? knot a fig, I was head over heels in love with the gallant, rugged,wee beauty, called, Chuck Corona.
There was knot a sole in site, we had the world too ourselves, we could have bean Anthony and Cleopatra, walking hand in hand two the vomitorium after a good tightener of red whine and doe-eyed dear.
I glanced askew at deer Chuck and mummered. "Chuck, what is this thing called love? love panes the hart, addles the brane, disturbs the guts, opens the large intestine and takes away all warning that a load may be immenent".
Chuck smiled-and suddenly the world got brighter. "Rosie, my darling" said Chuck
"Ever since I met you, I have never bean out of the bog".
"OH CHUCK" I screached "That's the nicesest thing any one has ever said too me".
"'Tis true" said Chuck "every-thyme I think of your face, I find myself in the crapper with my trousers round my feet".
"OH CHUCK" I ejaculated "such poetic utterances, most surely come from a poet, like what Lord Byron, or Stringfellow was"
Then, by mutural konsent we-stopped, we looked into each others eyes, ignoring any sties are turns that met our ogling occulars. The world seemed to stand still, birds ceased to sing and know wind blue from Gortin and surrounding districts.
"Rosie" muttered Chuck "you are the foam on my Guiness".
"Chuck" I simpered, "you are the wings on my fairy cake".
"I love you Rosie Ryan, so much" said Chuck
"I love you Chuck Corona far more mucher" I whispered.
Our lips met, lingered, than parted with a PLOP, like a sink being unblocked.
We stood there, silloutted in the setting son, Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliet, Jordan and Peter, too lovers obvious two every thing except our--love.
"Chuck" I giggled "Do you want a kiss?"
"Rosie" smiled Chuck "do you want a hug?"
"Chuck" I leered "Do you want a.....
"Clear off" roared a horrid voice "Unless both of you want this double barrel shotgun up your arse" It was Leonard McTwitter, the owner of the field.
"Piss off" he roared "if I wanted too scarecrows, I wood have got two better dressed that you too. Piss off, or you'll both be picking pellets out of your respective arses for the next fortnight" He chased us out of the korn like too hefiers, there was nothing we could do, he had the law and the gun on his side.
I stamped into my abode full of grate ire and thraness.
My sun, Bon Jovi was sitting in a chair, with the buttered heel from a pan loaf in either hand. The cub smirked and said " How did your court with Chuck Corona go? did he chase you round the garden, like a teddy bare?"
"We were KNOT courting" I screamed "we were--talking, just too adults-talking".
"Really?" said Bon Jovi with a smirk "And I suppose the grass stains on the back of your good green frock, with the yella butterflies on it--is the result of--talking?"
"I fell" I lied "I fell, after jumping over a shuck".
"Don't--don't-patronise me" roared Bon Jovi "What kind of house is this?" he yelled.
"It is an upside down topsy-turvy house, where the lump of a cub is the only wan in it with a titter of wit. "Get too your bed" he roared "You're grounded for a weak, some wan has two take you in hand before you bring shame and disgrace two the good name of us Ryan's".
I slunk off two bed with my head hanging oh so low, behind me I could heer the cub still scouling.
"Gott in Himmel, give me elaircissement and Domine dirige nos, how is it, that the lump of a cub is the only wan in the house with the slighest titter of wit?"

PHEW. Go now to www. greatshowlastweekkid. blogspot.com