BON JOVI THE SHYLOCK OF CLOUGHER

I still kan't believe that I am hengaged and that Chuck Corona is my finance,the shock was so grate it brought on a three day bout of romantic induced skitter-stroke-die-a-rea.
I have a path beat to the whins and for nucturnal emmissions, I have utulised too po's in a relay system. Many young hengaged couples suffer from this fee-nom-a-nah, the doctors call it romantic die-a-rea. I am so hapy, my hart is fluttering, like a pidgoen just before it gets its neck pulled and my digestive system is in turmoil, every thing I eat, I boke it up again, like an auld dog.
BUt there is still wan fly in the ointment, still wan blue-bottle on the cow pat, my sun, wee Bon Jovi has knot yet bean told the good news. How wool he take it? wool he give us his blessing, or cut up rough?.I had too tell the cub but I dreaded doing it, we were so close, wood he sea it as a weakening of the bond between mammy and sun? there was only wan way two tell, I said a quick prayer to saint Bosco and called the cub in.
In he came and threw himself down on a chair, the cub gets more and more like Brian Cowan the Irish Tissue every day. "Bon Jovi" I said "I wood just like too say that know wan wool ever replace you in my hart and in my reflections, you are my-sun, you sprang, or were dragged yelling and crying from my fruitful lions, I love you and I always will".
The cub sat glowering at me, he could tell something was coming.
"FOr some thyme now Bon Jovi" I said "I have bean seeing Chuck Corona, Chuck and me have a relationship--a special relationship, but even though it is a special relationship, it wool never replace or topple the special relationship I have with you, as I say, the relationship I have with Chuch Corona is-special, but the special relationship I have with you, is far more specialier".
The cub just sat there, picking his nose and breaking wind, softly and intermittinly.
"Bon Jovi" I said "I have something two tell you, Chuck Corona and me is hengaged and wool probably marry in the for-sea-a-ble future, I hope you kan be hapy for us and give us your blessing, but you are knot losing a mammy--you are gaining a-Chuck Corona".
THe cub sat there silent, then big tears filled his eyes, his face crumpled and he fell two the flour and let a roar out of him like a bull calf, he grabbed his stomach and bellowed.
"Oh the pane, the terrible, empty pane, the lump of a cub is losing his mammy, what wool become of him? Who wool love and komfort him in his thyme of need? Oh the pane, the terrible, terrible pane".
I ran two him and held him two my bisum "Bon Jovi" I screamed "I didn't mean two hurt you, I wool break off my henagement immediately". "KNOW" yelled Bon Jovi, "DOn't mind me, think of yourself and your own happiness, you must be cold, cruel and hartless,, don't worry about me, I wool survive somehow" "BOn Jovi" I screamed "I don't no what two do,"
"OH the pane" roared Bon Jovi, grabbing at his guts, if there was only something two ease this terrible, empty-pane".
I fluttered my arms like a chicken and cried, "What shall I do? How kan I ease your terrible pane? Do you want a hug?--A kiss?".
Bon Jovi gleeked up and said "Both of those wood be good, but I was thinkin more along the lines of a £10 note and a pound a weak until I'm 18"
"And wood that take away your pane?" I cried "Nothing wood take away the pane of losing a mammy" sniffed Bon Jovi "But it wood help ease it"
I ran two my purse and stuffed a £10 note into the cubs out-stretched hand.
"And now Bon Jovi" I said, "Do I have your blessing?" The cub jumped up from the floor and roared, "You do--oh, and I'll be collecting the pound every Friday morning at nine o'clock"
"Oh thank you Bon Jovi" I roared, "Thank you, thank you"
"Knot at tall" said Bon Jovi, "thank-you" and he headed out of the door whisteling.
If only I had known what followed after, I wood have swung for the humpy, ugly, wee gulpin.
As Bon Jovi left our abode he happened two sea my finance Chuck Corona coming threw the bog. The crafty wee brute punched the face of himself two make himself cry and lay down in the rushes. As Chuck came upon him he cried, "Ah, Bon Jovi lad, what is it? what ales you, at tall-at-tall-at tall?"
"BOn Jovi looked up with a snottery nose and said, "You're taking my mammy away from me"
"Know, know lad" said Chuck "I wood never part you from your mammy, your mammy loves her wee BOn Jovi"
Bon Jovi grabbed his guts and roared, "Ah the pane, the wild, tarra, empty pane that is fare breaking my wee hart". "Bon Jovi" yelled Chuck, "What kan I do? I wool do anything two ease your pane".
Bon Jovi leaped up and struck a deal for £20 down and £2 a week for life.
Chuck put him arm around the cub and said, "And now Bon Jovi, may I have your mothers hand? "You kan have the hole damned lot" roared Bon Jovi "And I'll give you a hand to throw her into the wheel barrow".
What malignat spawn have I given birth too? and I kan't say a thing, or the wee gulpin mite hauld his belly again and up the aunty.
Ah-lamore, the sugar on my fairy cake, the bubbles in my Iron Brue.
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