TIE A PEAR OF NICKERS ROUND THE OLD OAK TREE

My rite arm was going like a fiddlers elbow, as I polished the too po's out in the garden.
It is well known round Clougher and surrounding districts, that Rosie Ryan, is the devil for cleanleyness and Hi-Jean. Once upon a thyme, my son Bon Jovi's po, had bean more petiter and minuter than mine, but as his out-put increased, so did the size of his po. BOn Jovi could now outdo me both in volume and quantity.
I was bent over the po's with my tongue between my teeth and the sweat lashing off me, when--hark, I herd a mail voice behind me.
"Now that's what I call a pear of drawers" said the voice, "Substantial and yet, in a scary sort of way, sexy and provocative".
I spun round like mah-hammod Ali, it was wee Skeeter McBinder the post man, a dirty wee nuck, who was always saying auld digestive things and gleeking at drawers on the cloths lines.
"Listen boy" I roared, "if you make any more references two my under garments, I wool lift that crowbar and stick it rite up your...
"Now, now" sneered Skeeter, "know more of that auld sexy talk, I am a married man you no".
"What are you doing?" I yelled, "Creeping up behind a good kristian woman, who is gainfully employed cleaning the nite vessals, have you a letter for me? and if its a bill, you kan stick it up your......
"Letter, I have none" said Skeeter, "But I do have a massage, a massage from a certain, Mr Chuck Corona Esquire". "Chuck" I ejaculated, "Where did you sea my finance Chuck Corona?".
"He was lying over Clougher bridge" said Skeeter, "staring at the trouts and he said to me,
"Skeeter" says he, "If you sea the grate beauty known as, Rosie Ryan, wool you give her a massage for me?" "And I said, Chuck, you are a lucky man, two have won the hart of Rosie Ryan, a damson fare in form and in face. And Chuck said.....
"Wool you stop babbling and gibbering" I said "and just give me the massage".
"Don't be so impetios my red hared beauty" sneered Skeeter, "No need two get those lovely sexy body-clinging drawers in a twist. The massage is, tell Rosie I wool meet her too-nite at the usual plaice. Which gives you thyme two go round the oxters with lifeboy soap and run the iron over your most becoming and bewitching bloomers". "Get two hell, you peverted wee devil" I roared. And I stoned him off the street, using stones and small boulders.
The usual plaice, I new where that was, beside the big oak tree, adjacant too auld Toby McGavison's midden, the newt-ree-onts seep into the ground leaving the grass as hi as an elephants eye. I cried-"MERCI" and skipped, like a woodland sprite too my chest of drawers. Know pear of drawers, showing even the oblique outline of a skid mark could be considered. When one is meeting one's bow, one's drawers should be-pristine
Deer Chuck was waiting when I approached, throwing my hobnailed boots out with decorum and grate gentility. "CHUCK" I yelled, "Why the need for this grate secerecy? Has the doctor told you that you are--imponderable?"
"Know my love" said Chuck. "I am compes mentos in that region and firing on all cylinders. I have two go away my love". I gave a squak like a hen, trying to lay a bowling bowl.
"I have to go two Dublin, my deer, two give evidence at a tribunal deeling with fraud and corruption in Hi plaices". "Oh Chuck" I shrieked, "wool you end up incarnated in Mount Joy, another marter for auld Ireland, like the young Danny Boy?".
"Know my deer" said Chuck, "They are after the big fish, I am just a minnow and I have bean given impunity from prostition. I shall return my love, in about too or three daze thyme".
"CHUCK" I yelled, "Go behind that whin bush and revert your gaze,, don't ask questions my deer, just do it, I have something two do, something maidenly and girlish, something that should remain hidden from the eyes of men"
After five minutes, I yelled, you may look now Chuck" "Chuck emerged from the whin bush, looked and yelled, "What in the name of sweet Molly Malone?"
"Yes Chuck" I shrieked, "I have tied a pear of yellow nickers round the old oak tree and there they shall remain, until you come safely home two me".
Chuck crushed me too his manly chest, like Mick McManus with Jackie Pallo, I could smell his musky man sent and the whiff of John West tuna steaks, we kissed like too conger eels, lips spread like sink plungers, saliva was running down us chins and splattering on too us ganseys.
Then, Chuck had two go, too make up the lies he was going to tell at the tribunal, I watched him stride over the bog, head held Hi, a bastion of law and order, a bullwark against crooks and honest politicans. My little Chuckie, my finance, my wee doat.
As I made my way home-commando, I new just how Britney Sneers felt, as ever little puff of wind, I yelped, "MERCI" and hauled my skirt down.
Next day, I went to sea the gusseted token of my love for Chuck Corona,--they were gone, the yellow drawers were--gone. Auld Skeeter the perverted male-man had bean scene, running away, with something under his coat, and a leer of perverted preversion on his ugly gub.
UUG, I kan't bear to think about it, that auld brute fondeling my good, yella nickers and what is he doing with them two-night? wearing them, if he gets them taken in, or ogling at them with a
look of demonic perversion on his ugly leering gub. UUG, UUG, it makes my flesh-creep.

WHY NOT TRY---www. greatshowlastweekkid. blogspot.com
OH, and if you do tie your nickers round an old oak tree, tie them up wild Hi..