Tuesday 29 July 2008

WE'RE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLLY-DAY

As the son peeped over the hill and illuminated my white washed cottage like a search-lite, I merrily leaped out of bed like a would-land fawn and nocked daintly on my sun Bon Jovi's cardboard box. "Whom is it?" said a sleepy voice. "Tis I your mammy" I yelled. "Come in" said the wee gulpin, "I'm decent". "There's know room for too in there" I roared, "Come out, before I seal up the flaps and duck tape you in". The cub crawled out, with his hare standing up on him like a pork-a-pine and both eyes full of puss. "Arriva, Arriva" I yelled, "this is the day that Chuck Corona is taking us too Bundoran for the day". Bon Jovi broke wind with excitement and ran two make use of the po. I two was excited, my good green frock, with the yella butterflies on it lay over the wheel barrow. I sat down at my vanitory table too apply some cheery blossom pink lipstick. Putting on lipstick is a tricky business, you have two strike a balance between provocative beauty and a clown with a stroke.
Deer Chuck arrived at ten oh clock in the little orange Skoda. Chuck looked-radient, he was wearing a wild tite pear of stone-washed genes and a cowboy shirt, with a foto of Roy Rodgers on Trigger, twirling a lasso in the air, the back of the shirt was a veritable garden of cactus, in differing stages of growth. "Are we all ready?" yelled Chuck, "All ready for our day out at Bundoran?" "Affirmitive Chuck" I cried "But Merci--where is the juvinile?"
Just then, Bon Jovi emerged from behind the house, dragging a large sack, "Hi, Chuck Corona" yelled the wee brute, "help me get this bag into the boot like a good man".
"Bon Jovi" I ejaculated, "what have you got in the sack? don't tell me its the dog".
"Don't be stupid" roared Bon Jovi "Who wood take a dog two Bundoran, its sand, four stone of sand, I'm going two use it two build sand castles at Bundoran".
"But sun" said Chuck, "Bundoran is full of sand, you don't have too take sand too Bundoran".
Bon Jovi looked at Chuck and roared, "There mite be a sand shortage, like there was an oil shortage, so I'm taking know chances, if I kan't take my own sand too Bundoran, then I'm knot going". We had two give in, you kan't argue with Bon Jovi when he's in that mood, and there was logic in his madness, pearhaps sand spectators had bought all the worlds sand and created a shortage. So off we went, with the wee Skoda down on the springs due too the bag of sand. We hadn't gone five miles before I found out that Bon Jovi suffered from kar sickness. The cub boaked and left vomit all over Chuck's cacti on the back of his shirt.
I looked out as we sped along, all the knew houses, with guppies sitting in deckchairs, eating cannopies and sipping 7UP with chunks of ice in it, the Nemesis of the Titanic.
Soon, we were in Bundoran, I felt a sense of forebodding as we drove up the street. When we passed the Palace bar I closed my eyes--and my legs. In was in that establishment that my sun was deceived. I remember very little about it, the Red Biddy flowed like whine and later that nite, post nuptial sexual shennagins occured, but it was all done with a nod and a wink from the boys in the Vatican, YES,, it was in the Palace bar that my sun Bon Jovi was deceived.
"Oh Chuckie" I cried, "could we go two a fish and chip shop for a damn good tightener, before we go two the beech?" "Fish and chip shop my ars--bum" said Chuck "We're going too the Hollyrood the best eating plaice in Bundoran. Soon we were sitting in the Hollyrood, surrounded by Yanks, Japenese and boys on DLA, Brian McNiff scene two us himself, what a lovely man, he brought us stake, pee's, karrots and knew spuds. Chuck and me went at it like too pitt bulls, then Brian McNuff came over and whispered two me, "Madman, are you aware that your sun is building sand castles on my good Persian carpet?" I smiled down at BOn Jovi and said, "Yes, arn't wains cute at that age?"
Next stop was the beech, were I changed into a flourscent orange bathing soot, if I was swept out two see, I didn't want too be run over by a big tanker.
Some gulpins began too shout, "Thar she blows, get a harpoon quick" I kept my temper and my dignity, I just restricted myself two wan gulder of, "I hope your arse wholes heal up and break out under your oxters" Into the see I plunged, like a slim, slender 18 stone mermaid, as the water went over the fork of my bathing soot, I yelled and splashed.
Then, Kalamity, I gave a screech like a banshee and too lifeguards jumped in and dragged me out. "Did you get into danger?" said wan of the boys? "Know" I yelled, "Jelly fish, jelly fish in the gusset". Soon a crowd gathered and the news spread like wildfire, "She's got a jelly fish in the gusset". Too Japanese tourists began to shriek, "jelly fish in the gusset, ah so".
"It's know where near my ah so" I yelled, "Its in my gusset". Chuck made a groap at me two get the jelly fish but I yelled, "Know Chuck, we have indeed bean intimate in bouts of robust-yet genteel gansey fislin' but I kan't let you near my gusset aria until I reed the latest decree my Pope Benedict, relating two jelly fish in the gusset. Revert your eyes" I roared, "I'm going in"
I grabbed the clinging, creepy jelly fish and pulled it from the gusset area, then I tore it apart with my bare hands, the crowd clapped and cheered, I took a bow and stamped off too change back into my cloths. The rest of the day was henjoyable and uneventual. Soon, it was thyme two say goodbye too Bundoran, we sped past the Palace hotel, crunching sticks of rock like beavers.
Then the Skoda began too chugg and rolled two a halt. Chuck got out and tried two get her going, but damn a bit of her wood start. There was nothing for it but two fone the AA, as we stood at the edge of the road, Chuck looked at Bon Jovi and said, "Ah the poor boy has forgotten his sack of sand". Bon Jovi glowered up and roared, "Know I haven't, there was a whole in the bag, so I poured the sand into the petrol tank". Chuck uttered words with lots of F's in them, I looked at Bon Jovi and thought, "Has Rosie Ryan, the brane of Clougher had the miss-fortun two have a clampet spring from her lions?" The son set in the West and Chuck, Bon Jovi and me set in the wet grass at the side of the road.
If you want to buy Rosie Ryan Books go to, jpmcmenamin@gmail.com
Go now to.. greatshowlastweekkid.blogspot.com
IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK AND WALKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S PROBABLY THAT FAT WOMAN FROM No 27

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