KNEW DRAWERS AND THE SAD DEMISE OF AULD DOMINO MCTOODLE

Waiting! All day I had bean waiting, waiting paitently for the red Parcel Force van two drive up my lane. It was a Wintery seen that met my scrutizing oculars. A strange ghostly mist hung over the bog, it was on such a day, that the ancient standing stones wood get up and move about, to help with their circulation. Up on Hi, a lone crow cawed, a sheep went-Baa and the wind whistled threw the electric wires, playing a sad plaintive melody, akin to a celestical beeing blowing into an obo. Strange things were afoot on a day such as this, boys got up from their graves and went for a bit of a dander, with wild looks on their long dead faeces. Faeries sat on toadstools, grooming their fragile wings and shaking faerie dust under their tiny oxters. The old man of the forest, bent over with age, hobbled over a carpet of fallen Autumnal leaves, leaning heavily on a crooked, blackthorn stick. Witches sat round their cauldrens, hubbling an bubbling as they knocked something up for their supper. Strange things happen on strange days-and the strange things are seen by strange people and no wan is more strange than-Rosie Ryan
THEN!-at last, I spied the Parcel Force van. It pulled up before the door and a man got out and opened up the back. Then he got a huge parcel up on his shoulder and staggered towards my door. I opened the door and yelled, "Throw her on the table boy, I can take it from here". As the van drove off, I gazed at the big parcel. KAY'S MALE ORDER, it proudly stated on the front and there was my name and redress. How I had longed for this moment, With trembling hands I tried to open the big, grey bag, but was repulsed by the strong polly-theen. Then I went at it with my teeth, I gnawed at the polly-theen like a rat, but it withstood the savage power of my gnawing nashers. In desperation, I ran and got a knife and went at it like Jack the Ripper. I pulled out a large cardboard box and opened it up, inside, covered with pink tissue paper, lay my knew-drawers. I slowly unfurled the paper and there they were, I gazed at the drawers and exclaimed, "Wonder-Bah". I lovingly took the drawers out, shook them loose and let them fall. And there they were, the latest fashion from Tiawain. The Super Dooper, XL500, in fire engine red, with a petite 42 inch waste. But before I tried them on, there was a ritital to go threw, first I grabbed the knew drawers and stretched them like a Bullworker. I admired the elastic on the legs and waste, double strength for double confidence, the gusset was a hefty piece of engineering, a web-like contraption, securly sewed and lined with lambs wool. Then I scrunched the drawers up in a ball and happed them off the floor eight or nine thymes. This was two get the stiffness and rigidity out of them and make them mallabe and pliable. I held the knew drawers up too my girlish hooter, Ah, there was nothing like the smell of-knew drawers. After wear, you can never recapture the fresh, just out of the box, smell of-knew drawers. Now, it was thyme too try them on, I slipped-seductively out of my old drawers and let them fall around my plump,sturdy ankles. Then, with the deftness of George Best, at his best, I caught the drawers on my big toe and-flipped them onto the smouldering fire. The drawers lay there for a while, crackling and fizzing-THEN-with a mighty-WHOOSH, they ignited and flew up the chimney. I slipped into the knew drawers, with a minimum of cursing, panting and grunting and stood in front of the mirror. "Venus, in red drawers" I muttered, as I gazed at my refraction. There I stood, like Mick Manus, my too bulging thighs, emerged from the knew drawers like too Grecian colomns. My exquitive belly-button lolled over the restricting elasticated waste. I turned to the left and admired my rounded bum cheeks, straining against the stout, red flannel like too aluring, delectable-dumplings. What a site! What-beauty! If auld Hugh Heffner saw me now, he wood bust a gut two get me on the cover of Playboy. But only a few select gentlemen wool be lucky enough to gaze in wonder and awe, at Rosie Ryan in her knew drawers. The gentlemen in question beeing, Chuck Corona, my boyfriend, the doctor and any boy lucky enough too meet me when I'm flying down a hill on my bicycle, with my frock tucked into my drawers.
In the evening, I took the drawers out for a trial run and recieved the most horrendous news. Auld Domino McToodle is dead!. Poor auld Domino, he was never out of the chapel, praying for black babies, yellow babies and-even-white-babies. When auld Domino was just 19, the wholly Ghost appeared to him in the form of a Willie Wagtale. Every since that, auld Domino, was an alter-eater of Hi renown. Domino was 97 years old but as sharp as a pin, he had all his faculities, up to the day of his death, he could still tell his arse from his elbow. Apparently, auld Domino's demise was brought on by his wild love for-Kristmas. Too celebrate the coming birth of the baby Jesus, auld Domino had decorated his zimmer frame with tinsel and fairy lites, run from the mains. Poor auld Domino, was standing outside his house, bent over like a hoop, with age and Art-Risis, he was waving-feebly to kars and croaking, "A very merry Kristmas to youse all" Then, a wild shower of rain came on and before the family could get auld Domino into the house, he was electrocuted and stuck to the zimmer frame, like a limpet mine. They say the sparks were shooting from him and a strange azure lite appeared in his eyes, probably scent by the Wholly Ghost. The Undertaker could knot get the zimmer frame out of auld Domino's blacked hands, so it wool be buried along with him. I'm sure that's what he wood have wanted. Auld Domino was very attached two his zimmer frame. Auld Domino called the zimmer frame, his iron legs. I kan still sea him at the corner of his house, drool running freely down his withered chin and him croaking-feebly. "May legs is-done, only for these iron boys I wood have to sit on my arse in the house". Auld Domino had his wits about him, there was know senior diminutive gnawing like a rat at his brane. Every nite, before I use the po, I fall on my knees and prey, "OH Lord, let knot your hand-midden Rosie grow Do-Lally in old age, by your loving grace, may I always no my arse from my elbow, untill the day I die-AMIN"
I wore the knew drawers at auld Domono's funeral and do you no something, they were that comfortable, you wouldn't even no they were on!

My books and books of poems can be found at all Eason shops or from...
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If any of youse wood like a pear of drawers, like what I have got, drop me a line. I swear to God, you wouldn't even no you had them on. The knew drawers is-WONDER-BAH!