Farewell Benito

Deer Gerry, a Paul of grief and sadness hangs over Clougher today. In a head on crash between a Raleigh bicycle and a dung-spreader, auld Benito McStriddlestumps came off worse and left this vale of tears in a deceased and dead state. Those who saw the accident say that auld Benito was ejuclated from his bicycle and hit the dung-speader a wild dunt with his head. When poor Benito's head made contact with the purveyor of shi--dung it turned the dung-spreader on. "Before you could say, "Aah-Bisto!" auld Benito was engulfed in a mountain of shi--dung. No volunteers being found to wade through the shi--dung to find the dead cadaver. The priest gave the last rights over the mound of bovine feces and the police put up, "GO SLOW" signs and everywan went home.Next morning small farmer big Willie McMegadump managed to put a rope around poor, wee Benito's neck and dragged him 100 yards behind his tractor to a babbling brook. Too hours later Benito was pristine and as klean as a knew pin. "Bring him home now" shrieked Benito's widow wee Marygold. "Lay him out on the bed, while I go and borrow too pennies to put over his wee, dead eyes". The priest blessed wee Benito and said. "Just as Benito arose from the shi--manure, so shall we arise on the last day". "PRAISE THE LORD" shrieked auld Nellie McTumbleweed. Then, filled with the holy spirit, she fell down like a bag of spuds and hit her head a wild dunt against the po under the bed.Just a flesh wound. Know stitches required. As auld Benito was carried from the church, saint Judas choir lustily sang. "YES! we shall gather by the river". My son Bon Jovi nudged me and said. "There must still be some shi--dung in auld Benitos nooks, crannies and crevices". Bon Jovi and I walked home, full of grate sadness and pensivitity. As I watched auld Benito being lowered into a water-logged whole in the ground. In an auld cheep plywood coffin painted to look like Ma-Hoginey I thought of my own morality. Wood I be judjed wheat or chaff? Sheep or Goat? I revolved to change my ways and bless myself everytime I saw a rainbow. As Bon Jovi and I rounded a corner, we came upon a man driving a cow. "LOOK!" roared Bon Jovi. "Its wee Ramone McScallion driving Miss Daisy" Wee Ramone loves Miss Daisy. I never saw a cow and a man so close without interference from the police. "A fine baste you've got there Ramone" said Bon Jovi. "She's a wee darling" said Ramone. "And she loves her daddy. You love your daddy don't you Miss Daisy. Aye, Miss Daisy loves her wee daddy" "She wool make quare good rump stake" said Bon Jovi. Wee Ramone turned eggshell white, covered Miss Daisy's ears with his hands and screamed. "Yeh wee, humpy, ugly gulpin. How dare you talk about rump stake in front of Miss Daisy. She knows every word you say. Miss Daisy wool live a long and happy life and be buried beside me in saint Judas graveyard. The gratest pleasure in my life is driving Miss Daisy".And with a flounce of his wellingtons wee Ramone continued to drive Miss Daisy down the road. As we walked on, the sun set in the West. Birds flew home for the nite and the odd locked out sheepdog barked in the distance. Bon Jovi did a little dance, broke wind and began to sing in a loud out of tune gulder. "OH POOR WEE BENITO IS DEAD AS CAN BE THE GRATE BIG DUNG-SPREADER HE DID NOT SEE THE REASON HE'S DEAD I PUT DOWN TO HIS SIGHT THAT'S ALSO THE REASON HE'S COVERED IN.......... SWEET VIOLETS, SWEETER THAT THE ROSES COVERED ALL OVER FROM HEAD TO TOE COVERED ALL OVER WITH-SWEET VIOLETS". I laughed 'till I peed myself and had to run for the whins!