IT WAS ALL GREEK TWO THE TEECHER

I sat at the kitchen table with the heel of a pan loaf stuffed into my facial orifice, as my nasheres went up and down like a combine harvester, my sun, the adorable wee BOn Jovi crawled out of his cardboard box. "Bojuour my bon a-mee" I yelled, through a hail of bread crumbs.
"Good morning mammy" said the cub in efeluent Inglish. "You are well today-yes? I said.
"The naughty le-skitter has gone". "Aye" roared Bon Jovi, "the skitter has gone but the memory and the smell remain". "A good squirt of floral air-spray will fix that" I said,
"You are ready two go to le skool-wee?" "Aye" roared the cub "but I wool need a note two explain why I was abscent yesterday". "A mere bagatelle" I said "I shall write you a note, detailing all the various facuets and symptoms relating to and appertaining two your skitter".
THis was my chance too impress the teecher, with my grate knowledge and fierce intelligence, but how? THen it hit me like a turnip up the gub, I wood rite the note in Latin and impress all the teechers at the skool with my master of Latinese and the wild, fierce height of my IQ. I got crayon, paper, latin dick-sean-ree, stuck out my tongue and began.

Salutare Collega, (Hello Boy)

Ter (Three thymes thrice) Bon Jovi (Bon Jovi)
inflex (unlucky) flere (To weep and cry) juventus (cub) excitare "waken" cum skitter,
(Wake with skitter0) Skitter diuturnus, (Skitter long lasting) Skitter erumpere fluere circumdare. (Skitter burst out, flow and encircle Bon Jovi".
Sic (Thus so) nallus discere, (No learn). I singed my name with a flourish and put the note the the envelope that the red letter from the lectric board came in.
"Here Bon Jovi" I said, "Take that note and nock the sox of them impudent, wild, big hi-up teechers".
About half sat three in the afternoon, fate again decreed, that I be found with the heel of another pan loaf sticking out of my rose-bud mouth. I herd a rattle and looked demurly up, It was the skool teecher, coming up the lane like a bat out of hell and Bon Jovi sitting on the carrier, like Billy Bunter's fat brother. The teecher leaped off, threw the bike again the white-washed wall, pulled out my Latinese note and roared.
"What the hell is this? is it a joke? How dare you rite a letter of gibberish too a man with the future of the cubs of Clougher in his hands"
"Hauld on, hauld on, "I yelled "Do you mean two tell me, stood standing there, sprouting out of a pear of bicycle clips that you kan't reed Latin? For shame Sir, for shame".
"Latin, my ars--ant Fanny" he roared. "Its rubbish, gibberish, it wood fit you better too learn Inglish first, before you go dabling in foreign dead languages"
"Its knot dead" I roared "Me and the Pope speak it"
"I have informed the parish priest" said the teecher, "You must butt out of your suns headucation and leave it two the professionals, or the cub wool grow up as thick and stupid as you" And with that, he jumped on his bicycle. I looked frantically for stones, to throw at him but all I found was a big dog turd, I picked it up and threw it after the learned gulpin, but it fell short, it didn't have the velocity.
Then Bon Jovi got stuck in "You grate big, stupid lump of a gulpin" roared the cub.
"Always going on about how smart you are and the hole of Clougher laughing at you behind your back. Let me tell you now, missus Dumbo, you never were smart, you're knot smart now and you'll never be smart, you are a big ignorant, hallion, a stupid big gulpin , thick is what you are, thick as too short planks, you big stupid, ugly gulpin"
I took off after the cub, over the bog we flue, Bon Jovi was out in front like a hair and I was thundering behind like an Arab stallion.
"Cogito ergo sum, cogito ergo sum" I yelled, as I leaped a shuck like Red Rum.
"Cogito ergo sum--I think -therfore I am"
In the balmy zephyer breeze that blue from Gortin and surrounding districts, I could heer Bon Jovi yell,
"Big, stupid, igorant gulpin"---Wah? Rosie Ryan? Surely knot, the cub jests.