Friday 15 August 2008

BON JOVI,THE FRANKIE-STIEN OF CLOUGHER AND SURROUNDING DISTRICTS

'Twas a beautifl morning betwixt Summer and Autumn, the wind was temperate and blowing from the metropolis of Gortin. I deceided too do my keep-fitt excercies alfresco. I stood out in the nettles and long grass, arrayed in brown nickers and a grey simmet, that had once bean white. I stood, sturdy legs akimbo, breathing deeply and exhailing the redundant air with a-Whoosh. I began with side bends, touch the rite knee, break wind, touch the left knee, break wind. My slender, girlish, maidenly, statuesque body was bending like a reed in the breeze.
Time for touch the toes, one, break wind, too, break wind, three, break wind. Ah, I felt better already, my bloated belly, was expelling air like a hot air balloon with a puncture.
Now for some sit-ups, Wan, break wind, too, break wind, three, break wind, always beeing aware and careful-knot two follow through. Running on the spot, my too sturdy, blew veined legs went up and down like the clappers and from my derriere, came a stuttering sound, knot unlike the sound of a 500cc Norton going round a sharp korner. By now the sweat was lashing off me and wee black spots danced in front of my eyes, I new it was doing me good, I felt like I was having a stroke or a hart attack, that's always a good sign. Then I took two the road for a bit of a jog, I had two stand in a shuck when three of Sean Quinn's big green cemente lorries flew bye, the drivers flashed their lites. hooted the horns and yelled out as one, "HELLO ROSIE, may hand on yer drawers". Ah, I still have it, never bean without it, a true test of beauty is lorry drivers yelling, "May hand on yer drawers". I bet Angelina Jolly doesn't get that out in Holly-Wood. Then I crawled, gasping and panting back two my abode, stuck my head in the rain barrel and sat down two a good tightener of too gooses eggs and the buttered heels of pan loaves, all washed down with a big mug of Punjana, the drink that cheers but does knot hibernate.
On the stroke of fore, my sun Bon Jovi came in from skool and hurled his skoolbag into the scullery like a bowling ball. "Sit down my bon cabellero" I said "and tell me what youse was getting stuck into at skool today".
Bon Jovi sat on a three-legged stool, crossed wan dirty and grazed knee over the other and said,
"Today we learned all about-IVF". "But you're a Cat-Lick, why were you learning about a loyalsist paramilitary orginsation?" Bon Jovi looked at the kat and said, "How sad, how-how-
exprobrative, that the lump of a cub comes home from his seat of learning and is met with stupidy and thickness bordering on cretinism" "Listen boy" I yelled "I'm going two look them words up tonight and if they were a slur on my intelligence, I wool nock the big, round, cannonball head of you, so don't sit there so smart, talking two the kat as if I wasn't here, now, what does IVF mean?" Bon Jovi recrossed his legs, clasped his hands, pursed his lips and said, "IVF stands for in vitro fertilisation" "Why are youse learning about dung?" I said "If you want to learn about fertilisation all you have two do is follow a dung spreader. Slurry" I roared "Slurry is the boy two bring on your rhubarb". You should have scene the look Bon Jovi gave two the kat, then he looked at me and said. "Ivf, in vitro fertilisation, is the creation of life, you get a test tube, throw in an egg, beat well, then add some sperm, from a sperm whale and-Voila-you get a wee sprog". I fell in a heap against the dresser, the cracked cups rattled like Catalan castenets.
"Test tube babies" I roared, "But they wood be born with big, long thin heads"
"They wood fit in well with the people in Clougher" yelled Bon Jovi "All the men have faces like turf spades and the weeman look like hatchets".
"Its knot natural" I roared "Neither are you" yelled Bon Jovi "Sure it has its side effects, the weeman may get drowsy, break out in hives, or get ovarian hyperstimulation sin-drome, but that kan be cured bye a intracytoplasmic sperm rejection".
"That's it" I yelled "I'm going two tell the priest the kind of things you are learning at skool".
"Tell away" roared Bon Jovi "the priest was there and all he said was, "Children, don't try this at home" Now, if you'll excuse me, I am rather thirsty, I must get some h2o in vitro, in vitro, means-in glass" I made a note two use that in conversation, "Ah hello Nellie, I'm just going two the surgery, the doctor asked me two bring a sample of piss--in vitro".
"What's bacome of the cub?" I said two Chuck later that nite, as I lay with my head in his lap, counting the rivets on the fork of his jeans.
"'Tis just a faze the boy is going through" said Chuck. "Last weak he asked me for a reference, said he wanted two be a hangman in the Free State"
"If only he wood get a good steady job like that" I said "But what if he meddles with this damned auld UVF, what if the cub grows a sprog in a bottle?"
What evil, demonic,malignat spawn has sprung like a wild kat from my lions?
Have I? Could I? have given birth two the aunty christ? No,, I threw some wholly water on him this morning and he didn't scream or crackle with devilish electricity. Just a cub, just a cub going through a faze, next weak it mite me--trying too make gold out of turds--Al-ka-Me.
Two reed my letters two gerry anderson, try yer man, jpmcmenamin@gmail.com
Go now to www.greatshowlastweekkid.blogspot.com

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