THE TRANSUBSTANTIATION OF THE BOG

Mellow was the morn as I peeped out of my cobwebbed infested, suit stained window.
Aah, the beauty of the bog lay before me, in all its panoramaic, vista of unparrelled picturesqueness. How could one be down in the mouth, or suffer from innui on such a morn?
I gazed at the ancient, standing stones, so called because of their posture, they were-standing, knot sitting or lying down. I was filled with felicitous, felication bordering on fierce felicitousness.
I stood there, a slim,slender would-land nymhp, a world war too German army coat, with a bullet whole in the sleeve, covered my lithe, trembling, fragile, maidenly, girlish body. The bog was alive, I could feel it breathe beneeth my sturdy, hobnailed boots. The bog was giving off a strange, seditious, scary feeling, drawing on my knowledge of Gee-ometary, Gee-ology and physics, I new what it was, it was the transubstantion of the bog, the bog of turf was slowly transubstanting into coal, this wood then be transubstantioned into oil. Soon Clougher wood be the Sauda Arabia of Tyrone. This wood bring grate wealth but also grate-DANGER, America, wood put Clougher in the axis of evil and invade us for our oil. Clougher kouncil is aware of this and they have taken pre-cautionary steps. At the city limits of Clougher, lie grate bollards--know its knot a bad word, the priest said so on Sunday, When the invasion begins, these bollards will be dragged into the middle of the road by donkeys, there-bye stopping the American forces dead in their tracks. America, mite have toppled auld Saddam Hussien, but they wool meet their match when they take on Clougher kouncil, some of the gratest branes in Tyrone are on it.
But there's know need to worry yet, I have taken soil samples and I wood say that oil wool knot squirt from the bog, 'till seven or ate years from now.
The Summer has scene a grate change in my sun Bon Jovi, the cub who has inheirited my jean bank is coming along in leaps and bounds. The lump of a cub is trensubstanting into a grate big hallion. You should sea him leap round the bog like a viritable wilderbeast, dressed in short, grey trousers and a lovely magenta gansey, with a tasteful motief of a skull and cross bones on the front and underneath is rote, AC/DC, ON THE ROAD TO HELL. I am lead two believe that AC/DC are a beat combo from Austria. It wood knot be my kind of music, I like two lie with my eyes shut, listening two Shoe-Bert, how soothing, how restful. I lie on the sofa, with my hobnailed boots elevated at a 33% angle, it helps two keep trombones from forming in the legs, as the music washes over me, I gently-hum, all the cares of the day fall away and I drift away into sleep, with Proust lying on my chest. What a helegant site in a townland of gulpins and hallions. Why am I sew different? why was I given this grate brain and the wild, fierce hunger for Arts and Kulture? Why wood I rather have Brams than bingo? why do I prefer pee-caso two getting pissed? I am a--lite-house, a shi--a lite-house for the young, who may look at me and say, "I feel a--yern, a yern for knowledge and learning, how lucky I am two have Rosie Ryan as a model--a template, to follow as she strives-yes, strives two stuff more knowledge, more arts and kulture into her learnered noggin. Give me your young and I wool impart enthusium for learning and lead them on the long and winding road two the klassics. I should have bean a lecturer, but I diden't have the Latin or the leather patches on my jacket.
Over the Summer months, my boyfriend, Chuck Corona's gansey fisslin' has become more-vigerour, more-robust, I put it down to the auld dead heat, as the man said, its knot the heat--its the humanity. I decieded two have a talk with Chuck, about the increase in gansey fisslin' in my estimate, it has risen by 28% since Kristmas. A word two the wise is better that a punch up the gub or a good knee in the fork of the trousers. I sat deer Chuck down in a shady nook by a babbling brook and said, "Chuck, I am a female woman, as such, I have two keep a certain decorm, I am also a Mammy and an example two the young, I can't be found, in flagre-de-lecto in every hay-shed round Clougher. So I am asking you, begging you, two konfine your gansey fisslin' too the interiour of my abode." Deer Chuck, coughed, sighed, broke wind and replied, "Rosie my love, far be it from me two have you known far and wide as a slut and a slag, So, in deference two your wild Hi murals, I wool cut down-drastically on my gansey fisslin'.
I was so happy that deer Chuck understood, I flew two him like a heat-seeking missile and clamped my gub two his, when I got the sent of old spice and tuna I went mad, I grabbed Chuck round the knees and heeled him into a low-lying field, then I jumped in after him like a red-arsed babboon, hours later we staggerted out, rearranging us cloths and brushing big, black slugs from each other. Why is it that men have know kontrol over their feelings, why is it, that it is always the woman, who has two say--KNOW?
Reed my letters two Gerry Anderson, you kan get them if you kontact this boy...
jpmcmenamin@gmail.com
And you mite want two go two..www.greatshowlastweekkid.blogspot.com
Does any-wan no how two get slug slime from a puce gansey?