BON JOVI REWRITES THE BIBLE

It was Saturday, the day that God and the trade unions decreed should be a day of rest.
In the abode of 13 The Bog Road, Clougher, where I live and reside, Bon Jovi my Sun and I were taking it easy, chilling, just hanging around. I was sitting-gracefully on a chair with my feet on a stool, pulling the odd hare from my plump slender leg with a pear of pliers. I am knot bye nature a hairy Mary, but sometimes a rogue hare wool try to take up abode on my fare, alabaster skin.
I gritted my teeth, as I pulled another curley inch long hare from my slender calf with a girlish shriek of, "OH, In the name of God". Blood ran in rivlets down my sturdy leg and in between my bunched up toes. I raised my legs and studied them. Too strong creek columns, the mottled veins gave my legs the appearance of blue-veined marble. What beauty. What grace. My red knees were concealed in rolls of delightful feminine fat. The rolling contours of my buttressing thighs, absolutely beautiful in the extreme. "The legs of a Greek Godess" I intoned to myself.
The mighty columns that hold up the temple of-Rosie Ryan. The temple of grace and beauty, at which men kneel in reverence and fear. Very few are the men who can look Rosie Ryan in the face and knot come away babbling and gibbering driven mad by her terrible beauty. A beauty that is knot of this world. A hyptonising, unnatural beauty, bestowed by the Gods. I am the Gorgon of Clougher. The Oracle of Delly. I hold the template of beauty and all other women are but inferiour, cheep facsimiles. I Rosie Ryan, am the fountain head of beauty and all other women mearly streams burns and babbling brookes.
I gave a maidenly sigh of satisfaction and looked at my Sun Bon Jovi. The cub was sitting cross-legged in front of the fire like big chief Rain In The face. The cub was reeding the Bible that my daddy had stolen from a Presbyterian church. "How far are you on Bon Jovi?" I asked. "Have you red about the boy called Job sitting on a dung hill? God I nearly killed myself laughing when I red about auld Job".
Bon Jovi glared up with his good eye and said "Have you red this tome which porports to be the word of God". "I have!" I yelled "And a damn good reed it was. The crossing of the red see, the tossing of the walls of Jerico and Daniel in the den of Lions, which lead, indirectly to Duffy's Circus".
Bon Jovi leaped to his feet, waved the Bible above his head like Ian Paisley and said "This book is full of inaccuracys, missconseptions and erroneous mistakes". "How dare you, you wee pagan" I roared. "How dare you, a lump of a cub, disagree with the word of God. You're far worser that auld Richard Dawkins the atheist". "God gave me free will" roared Bon Jovi. "He also gave me a brane too think with and I'm telling you, as a highly headucated lump of a cub, that the Bible is not the literal truth". "What about the parting of the waters?" I yelled "Explain that if you're so fly". "Simple" said Bon Jovi "The tide went out and auld holy Moses was able to walk to the other side". "And what made the walls of Jerico come tumbling down? I roared. "Bad workmanship" yelled Bon Jovi "The cemente was knot mixed rite and the foundations were knot dug deep enough. Let me ask you something" said Bon Jovi, looking at me with a scrutising stare from his good ocular. "Ask away" I yelled "I came twenty first in our class on religion".
"I take it" said Bon Jovi "That you have red the first book in the Bible, the book of Genitalia?"
"Of Course I have" I roared, "I know all about auld Adam and Eve". "So far so good" said Bon Jovi "Now would you mind telling me why Adam and Eve were turfed out of the garden of Eden?" "It's in the book of Genitalia" I roared. "Adam and Eve were thrown out of the garden of Eden for eating the forbidden apple". "I have bean giving grate though too that" mused Bon Jovi "And it seems funny to me that God wood throw them out because of wan auld apple. I have bean thinking and I think a mistake was made when the scribe was riting the Bible, he was probably bluttered after drinking too are three goat-skins of wine. The scribe rote down apple, but what he should have rote was-PEAR! You must remember that Adam and Eve were buck naked, well what I think happened is this, God came too Adam and Eve and said, "I am sorry that youse is both naked, but-behold, I have created a--PEAR of drawers, youse wool have to work out amomg yourselves how youse wool share the drawers". Then God went away and when his back was turned, Adam and Eve began to fight over the PEAR of drawers and ripped the God given drawers into pieces. Then God came back and said, "Look what youse done to my good drawers. Sling your hook and never darken my door again". I looked at the cub in wonder and surprise, then I lifted the poker and took after him over the bog. The wee brute sped off jumping shucks like a race horse and roaring, "Amen, Amen I say on to you, it was knot an apple, it was a PEAR, a Pear of drawers". I'm going to see the Parish priest tonight and my opening gambit wool be, "Father, are you Ah-Fey with the book of Genitalia???"

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