THE PIG FLU

Deer Gerry, when I heerd you were on the broad of your back with the auld pig flew, I was gob-smacked in the extreme. "Gerry's sick!" I yelled two my sun Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi's knees hit the concrete floor and the cub went into a string of Pater Navies that wood do credit to a Pope. I immediately ran pell-mell to the post office and scent you a too litre bottle of the crater. Unfortunately, the post office van went over a bump, the crater exploded with a BANG, leaving the van a rite off and Sky magazines scattered in the surrounding fields. The police have put it down to "dissadants" so I am in the clear.

Now you are on your feet, you must look after yourself. Don't sit in draughs. If you feel a chill. yell to the wee boy, "SHUT THAT DOOR! WILL YOU SHUT THAT DOOR and look at the muck in here since I was gone". You could get a prolapse Gerry and the auld wans always said, that a prolapse was worser that the first touch. Coddle your chest Gerry. The chest should be lagged until this auld pestelance is over. It's Bibical Gerry. It's a warning. It's the price we pay from buying illegal fags, playing bingo and nocturnal, How's your father in hey sheds at nite. Drink plenty of liquids. I wood suggest up too a bottle of Volka a day. I am sure this auld dose has left you limp Gerry and as week as a kitten. Mince-is the answer and if you kan afford the special mince the expence wool be worth it. I no it's a bit early, but if I was you, I wood jettison the thongs and change into the boys with the flap at the back-pronto. Not only do they provide heat, they gave that much needed ring of confidence, when one is hefted. When heftedness strikes, time is off the esance.

Gerry, you have always bean wild good at playing inquests for the sick and poorly, so now I want you two play a wee inquest from me too you.

"This next song is for Gerald Michael Anderson, who is recovering from pig flu, it comes from Rosie Ryan and is called.......

"I GET DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN, TO HELL WITH THE OLD SWINE FLU. I GET DOWN........