ROSIE THE WISE MONKEY

As I lay- lanquidly on the sofa last nite,in a state of semi compes mentosness.. the Wan Show came on the TV. I maid a spalter too turn it off, while muttering under my breath. "And Christine such a nice cuttie two, could she knot get a job stacking shelves at Tesco?"

It was then I decided too pick up a HB pencil and rite too you. "How are you and yours Gerry? Bon Jovi and me are living the live of Reilly.The cub is growing in leaps and bounds. He has outgrown too cardboard boxes since Kristmas. My only begotten Sun now resides in a big box made too hold a 100 inch plazza TV. The cub kan now stretch his legs and doesn't have to lie with his knees up under his chin, like wan of them mummies that they dig up in Chilly or remoter parts of Gortin.

The only smidgen of news I have Gerry, is of a slight accident that happened just outside the portal or apperature of my home. A grate big lorry ran into a wee kar. It was just a dunt, a fender blender. But the wee nuck in the kar was raging. "You hooligan!" he yelled "I have too be at an important meeting. We are closing another hospital today and I have too be there too rubber stamp it. WHERE is my attackie case?" he screamed "Where is my attackie case? I have important papers in my attackie case and a ham sandwitch with the crusts cut off"

The driver of the big lorry advised the wee nuck to, "Take her easy" but easy, the wee nuck would not take her.

"I have the law on my side" yelled the wee gulpin.

"And I have a shuck on my side" said the lorry driver "Did you respect me to drive into it and heel the lorry?"

"Look at my head-lites" roared the wee boy. "Smashed. Smashed beyond despair"

"You were lucky you didn't break your glasses" I said.

"I don't wear glasses" shouted the wee upstart.

"Well, you should wear glasses" I yelled "Because you must be blind, if you couldn't sea a big lorry coming down the road".

"I did see the lorry" screamed the wee boy "And I took pretentious action to avoid a prang"

"Pretentious action, my Ant Fanny" I yelled. "You were petrified with petrifactive petrification. Your wee lily white hands were stuck to the wheel and the eyes were staring out of your head like a howl after a field mouse".

"How dare you" he yelled "What wood a common, cunt'ry woman like you know about the law?"

"Let me refer you too the case of Regina versus Rosie Ryan, March 1979" I said "The case was thrown out of court on a technicality. The Judge in his whisdom ruled that I,Rosie Ryan should knot have bean charged with riding a bicycle with out a tale-lite, BUT!, charged with fierce drunkenness and lewd, obscene behaviour".

Then the sound of a siren was heard in the distance.

"Is that the police?" said the wee slabber.

"Well, it's hardly an ice-cream van going at that speed" I riposted.

A police man took me aside and said. "I just want the facts mam, only the-facts. What did you sea?"

"I scene-nothing" I replied. With my rite arm in the air like they do in the pictures.

"Well, what did you heer?" said the policeman.

"I heered-nothing" I replied.

"Well, what do you think happened?" said the policeman.

"I have know contraception of what did happen, could have happened, or never happened" I said.

A policeman who was questing the lorry driver looked up and said. "How are you getting on Freddie? Any sailient-facts?"

"Know!" yelled Freddie "I've got a rite Seamus Heaney up here. What ever you say-say nothing".

"How dare you" I yelled "How dare you besmirch the good name of wan of Ireland's gratest poets. So he doesn't make words rhyme. Did you never think that the lad mite be disc-lexic? Sling your hook" I yelled "You wood be better employed looking for the letter that Ronnie Flannigan can't find, than bothering statesque Greek Goddess women, with striking good looks and flaming red hare".

And that was it Gerry. Both drivers went on their way. And I was left with the grate satisfaction,of knowing that I kan still take on the peelers and run rings round them.

Isn't it grate too heer that Ronnie Bigg's is out.

Ronnie is a diamond geezer, a diamond geezer and only ever hurt his own!. Just like I do with Bon Jovi!