Rosie's no Strumpet!

The rain lashed at the winda and the wind howled round my house like a demented demon. It was a Winter day that learned Metallurgists would describe as, wild bad and tarra. Inside my rural rustic abode. Nellie Granite and me sat in front of a big roaring fire. Nellie and me both had us legs akimbo to funnel the heat towards us respective under-carriages. The sweat was running down Nellie's big red bleezer of a face. As she shoved paris buns into her gaping gub. Nellie broke wind with fierce ferocity and said.

"Rosie how lucky we is too be sitting in front of a big roaring fire on a wild day like this".

"We is Nellie" I said. "My hart goes out to some wee nuck of a man, who is peddling a bicycle up hill. Wet to the arse and filled with metaphicial fury and undiluted anger, ire and unrequited moroseness".

"Happiness" said Big Nellie. grabbing for another sugar coated paris bun.

"Hapiness is heat, food, good company and a good husband. Take my wee Willie" said Nellie. "I love my wee Willie more that a feed of drink. A good arse scratching or a comforting breaking of wind. Rosie" said Nellie.

"Pleeze enlighten me as too how much you love your boyfriend Chuck Corona". I felt a wave of passion swell up in my bisom. My legs began to tremble and I said with fierce passion, love and wild devotion.

"I love the very ground that Chuck Corona's feces fall on".

Big Nellie broke wind again, spat into the fire and said.

"Every nite when I sea my wee Willie climbing into bed. Wearing a pear of grey drawers. With the alluring, sexually provokitive flap at the back. I say to myself.

"Nellie Granite, you is wan lucky woman, to have landed a wee beauty like wee Willie" "Then I grab wee Willie too my bisum. And squeeze and squeeze until his face turns blew and his tongue is lolling out of his toothless gub".

"What you have stated Nellie" I said.

"Sums up love in a nutshell"

I looked sexily askew at big Nellie and said. "Let me tell you a sexy bon mot about the love of my life Chuck Corona. Chuck two, like your wee Willie wears long drawers with a flap at the back. But sometimes when deer Chuck is fare brusting with love, lust and fierce passion. He removes the long drawers and puts them on with the flap at the front!".

Big Nellie gave a shriek. Screamed, "In the name of Bannager" and threw her too big fat legs up in the air. Giving me an unwanted flash of too big mottled thighs and an auld pear of brown drawers with a frayed and torn gusset. I reverted my eyes. Until big Nellie had dealt with her wardrobe malfunction. It's knot something you want to sea after a feed of paris buns.

Then big Nellie and I crouched over the fire. And in an old traditional, christian, God like way began to tear reputions apart like paper tissues. We started at Pig Lane in Clougher. Where the drunks and winos roam. And ended up in Micky Bradly park where the Hoi-Popi reside. Nellie and I koncluded that all the weeman were nothing but tramps and strumpets. And the men nothing but dirty, snottery nosed, lazy good for nothing gulpins.

I looked at big Nellie and said.

"Nellie, is it not comforting in the extreme to know that you and me is the only too pentagons of virtue in Clougher and surrounding districts?"

Big Nellie himed and hawed and said. "Well, I wood hardly call YOU a pentagon of virtue. After all you do live over the brush, in a state of moral sin with Chuck Corona".

I leaped to my stunned feet and roared.

"Get out of this house two hell. You Nellie Granite is nothing but a big fat strumpet with a face like a dogs arse. And as for your wee Willie. Every wan knows the wee nuck is deficient in the fork of the trousers department".

"Strumpet!" yelled big Nellie.

"That's what you is. A strumpet, a harlot, a tramp and a woman well known for lying, legs akimbo in wet rushes. God only knows what auld disease I have picked up in this-this-knocking shop".

I lost the head and went for Nellie. Head down like a Pampas bull. Big Nellie raked her nails down my face. I head butted big Nellie. And heard the comforting sound of gristle breaking in Nellies big nose. Big Nellie went into a fit of kicking and flinging. The big brute took lumps out of my shins. I broke the child of Prague over big Nellies head. Big Nellie responded by smashing a picture of the sacred hart of Jesus over my noggin.

I would up a heymaker and let big Nellie have it rite on the chin. Big Nellie fell into the coal bucket. Giving me a prolonged view of her auld brown drawers that were probably crawling with fleas. I grabbed big Nellie by her bull neck and ran her too the door. "Get the hell out of this house, you big, ugly fat Hallion" I yelled. As I gave big Nellie a riser that wood probably require a good dose of surup of figs in the coming daze.

I was sitting shaking and trembling in the korner when my sun Bon Jovi strolled in whistling. The lump of a cub stopped and roared.

"What happed too your face? Did the dog go for you?"

"Know sun" I replied weakly. "It wasn't the dog. It was a kat. A wild kat with the morals of a rabbit on Red Bull".

The moral of the story is..Don't call Rosie Ryan a strumpet in her own house!.

May the piece of the Lord be with you now and forever-AMIN!