Bon Jovi's picked Up By The Fuzz

I was bent over like a cow applying a liberal application of Preparation H to my throbbing rear when the police kar drove into the street.
"Holy mother of divine mercy" I yelled, as I quickly adjusted my red flannel drawers and held my finger under the hot water tap.
I ran out to the street like Groucho Marx yelling.
"Is he dead? Has the lump of a cub expired?. Tell me, I kan take it, Is my wee Bon Jovi deceased?"
A police man with jam on his shirt said.
"At 16 hundred hours today, Master Bon Jovi Ryan was taken into custard and is being held in Clougher clink".
"Holy God!" I shrieked.
"My cub behind Hi prison walls like the Yorkshire ripper or Oscar Wilde. Take me too him" I roared.
"I am his mammy. If my sun is incarnated I should be by his side. Have you shackled the lump of a cub in some dirty, cobwebbed dungen where wild, feral, hungry rats will eat the toes of him?
Does my wee doat lie on a bed of straw staring at the blue sky through a small barred window?
DOES HE HAVE A PO?" I yelled.
"Does the cub who sprang, fully formed, from my lions have unrestricted access to a PO?"
Later, at the police station I herd the whole sorry, sordit story. It was a story of infamay that wood drive any good catholic mother to the edge of do-lally madness and crazyness.
Inspector Nipper of Clougher vice squad told me in graphite detail how the filthy caper went down.
After skool, instead of going home Bon Jovi and the other members of the "Maroon September" gang made their way to Clougher.
The onslaught began at half past three, when the "Maroon September" gang, lead by Bon Jovi began to throw balls of cow dung at innocent civilians.
As the balls of hardened cow dung flew through the air, the casualties mounted.
The first to go down was auld Bertha Tibbets. Auld Bertha was coming out of Sweeny Todd's butcher show with a pound of special mince under her oxter when a ball of cow dung hit her rite on the kisser.
As auld Bertha slumped to the ground she shrieked,
"Them auld dung-spreaders are getting to be a wild hanlin' "
Soon bicycles and donkeys careered down the street while their riders lay prone on the road.
Pastor McGinty from Gortin went into a fit of effing and blinding as a ball of dung hit him on the ear and another wan got him rite in the fork.
Wee Harriet Mondeo, her with the goitre, was covered with cow dung to such an extent she looked like a walking midden!.
Above the onslaught of cow dung Bon Jovi could be herd roaring.
"Aim for the whites of their eyes".
When the Maroon September gang ran out of ammunation they tried to retreat but were picked up by the fuzz on the Hi-way out of Clougher.
When asked why they done it,the members of the Maroon September gang kept stum, but Bon Jovi explained it was a premptive strike, purely defensive and went on to say the Maroon September gang just wanted to live in peace and harmony.
Bon Jovi and all members of Maroon September had an aspro slapped on them and a curlew, which means they must be in the house 17 hours a day.
Apparently MI5 is taking a keen intrest in Bon Jovi and have put him on the terrorist list.
I'm just happy to have the wee Che Guevara home.
I cut a good sally rod and showed the wee gulpin just what a premptive strike is!
The Bin Laden of Clougher bawled like a baby.