Skoolboy Scams

Deer Gerry, I feer my sun and YOUR godsun Bon Jovi may be a juvinile delicatessanent. It grieves me too say it, but he who was once but a fertilised egg is into scams and rackets at skool. Bon Jovi has veered from the path of righteousness and wandered off into the path of wrongeousness.

The first I new of it. I got an inquest asking me to come and sea the princeipality of St Judas primary skool. I though perhaps the cubs application for a plaice in Eaten had been granted. But before I could drink from the mug of success, it was cruely dashed from my cadallic pink lips. What I was about too heer wood shock me to the kore and set my gizzard into a tale spin.

"Pleeze sit down Mrs Ryan" said the princeipality.

Which I did. Trying hard knot to show two much plump, alluring, massive thigh. I was wearing a Hi-necked mullberry gansey. I deplore dumplin' gazers Gerry, I really do. Look at my face or don't look at me at tall is my motto.

"Mrs Ryan" said the princeipality.

"There is know easy way too put this. Your sun Bon Jovi, has been engaged in a scam at this skool. That KNOT even the Mafia wood entertain".

I almost swooned Gerry. I actually kolapsed on my chair. Only for the fact that I was wearing my knew Winter non-skid red flannel drawers I wood have slid on to the floor. Wide-eyed and legs akimbo.

"What has the wee gulpin done" I croaked. As I tried in vein to regain my Eek-you-lib-erum.

"Your sun Bon Jovi" said the princeipality of St Judas primary skool.

"Has been going round the playground at dinner thyme. Bullying other children into rite their last will and teste-ments and naming Bon Jovi Ryan as the sole air to all their goods and chatles".

"It's a lie" I yelled.

"Bon Jovi mite brust a face or too, but he wood never stoop too such ghoulish,macabre, Machiavellian racketeering"

The Princeipality held up a sheaf of crumpled, ink stained skool jotter pages and cried.

"I am holding in my hand. thirteen signed wills and teste-ments. All the wills name Bon Jovi Ryan as sole air. Thirteen last wills and teste-ments" yelled the princeipality. "Eight of the wills are singed by cubs and the other five are signed by cutties. All the pupils said that Bon Jovi Ryan had made them rite the wills under fierce duress. Apparently your SUN, told them to rite out their wills or they wood get their feaces brusted!".

Oh Gerry, if ever there was a broken woman, that broken woman was me. My Sun. YOUR Godsun, nothing but a pretty criminal.

I looked out the winda like Ma Baker and said.

"Well what happenes now? Have the coppers got the joint surrounded?"

"Know!" said the princeipality.

"We are trying too deal with this "In house". But if you don't get a grip. Your sun Bon Jovi will never walk on the hallowed turf or look up at the dreaming spires of St Judas skool in Clougher again. Oh, and DO pull your skirt down Mrs Ryan. I find it very distracting. But it has made me remember to bring home a leg of mutton for the dinner".

I backed out of the highly headucated sanctuary like Uriah Heep and turned my morose, gloomy visage towards hearth and home.

But what should I do with Bon Jovi Gerry?. This job was beyond the capability of a poor, week woman. This job called for the smack of a good strong man.

So I called on my boyfriend-and fisslin' partner Chuck Corona too have a word with the errant Bon Jovi.

Chuck set the cub down and in just five minutes. Chuck had changed the so called Al Capone into Al Jolson

"Bon Jovi" said Chuck sternly.

"What you did was rong. Not only was it rong, it was down-rite stupid. Did you never once think, that you wood have to wait-50 years, MAYBE-60 years before your skool mates dyed. And their is a good chance that you wood have dyed first. Meaning you wood get sweet damn all"

The scales fell from Bon Jovi's eyes and he went on his way. Praising and glorifying the Lord.

But it was some hanlin' before Chuck Corona set the cub strait..

Hapy Halloweens too all at radio foul.

Rosie Ryan.

Tell the wee bouy too watch out for goolies!.