Auld Nellie Has Popped Her Clogs

Chuck and me had recourse two go two a wake on Monday nite, the recipient was auld Nellie McZither. Auld Nellie had knot bean ailing and was only 94,needless two say suspicious looks ing directed at the medical profession. The house was wild dark,the only lite coming from candles. I groaped my way in and found a dead cadaver lying in a bed. Their lay the imoral remains of auld Nellie MvZither. Her red bloomers still hung from the bed post, I wondered who wood get them now. I gazed at her and thought,so this is death, this is what awaits us at the end of life,if we live that long. She looked--serene and wild dead. All worry had left her face,The hares on the mole on her chin were at piece and knot jutting out like aerials. Her eyes were closed, never two open again. Her lips were shut, never again wood they roar out, "Barney, a hot Powers for the woman in the snug, are I'll come out and brust you"
All worry, all toil was over,she could rest now, rest with the Lord and the heavenly choir.
Suddenly it was two much for me, I broke down, I filled my lungs like a basking whale and oared. "Ah Nellie, Nellie, Nellie, why did you dye and leave those who loved you, falorn,sad and stuffed two the throat with grief?" I nearly shi--dyed myself when the woman in the bed sprung up and roared, "What are you guldering about, you big gulpin? my sister, dead Nellie is in the next room" I had clean forgot about Nellie's twin sister Avril, who was over from Ingland for the funeral.I felt an approach of the vapours, I swooned, but I did knot go down like a sack of spuds, I crumpled, gracefully,with decorm and finese. Chuck caught me under the oxters and dragged me out, you kan still sea the marks of my heels on the concrete floor. Deer Chuck loosed my cloathing, a group of alter-eaters going into the wake said, "Look at that, he kan't wait two get her home and a dead, deseased body lying in the back parlour" "GET BACK" yelled Chuck "Give her air" "I'll give her my tow up the arse" said a man, who looked remarkability like the knew curate.
I staggered bravely two my feet and made my way home with Chuck bye my side. "Ah, death" I cried "Where is thy sting?" then I gave my arm a Shakespeare flourish and stung the hand of myself in a clump of nettles.
Later and anon, Chuck and me slipped into a hey shed, I have always noticed that wakes and funerals, make peeple want to procreate. I suppose its natures way, popped clogs must be filled.
After much groaping and robust gansey fisslin' Chuck and I emerged with smiles on us feces.LIfe has too go on, many a hey shed auld Nellie had bean in, with a smile on her face and a noggin of whiskey up the leg of her drawers. I said goodbye two Nellie in my own way, I opened my gub and silenced howls, nite-in-gales and mating badgers,stoats and foxes with a rousing verse of,
"NEllie, Nellie, pimples on your belly and now you're lying dead". I ended with a gulder that brough leaves from the trees and walked home with Chuck, with genteel decorm and lady-like kicks and flings of my hob-nailed boots
Deer Chuck broke wind and it sounded so sad, so sad,twas the last post for poor auld-Nellie
REST IN PIECE, dominus de morte and volkerwanderung. AGe shall knot wither her, know, life did that.