I AM ROSIE--A VIRULENT WOMAN

When the wild, auld ancient Egyptions were nocking up the Pyramids, they used two say, "And of the heat-we wool knot speak"
Twas on such a day, that I was sweltering out in the long grass and nettles in front of my lunge winda. The sweat was pouring off me like a barb-a-cued pig. I had my lusterous mass of red hare held back with a length of baling wire. I was genteenily and lady-like attired in world war too desert rats, kar-key shorts and a striking mustard yella, vee-necked simmet.
I was avdily pursuing, or (L prosequi) a big book, relating two the principles of the Archimedes screw. "Yes Arch" I muttered "I sea where you're coming from" I red on, letting little, "Ah-has, yes, good on yeh yeh boy yeh" out of me.
Bon Jovi, the boy child, who had sprang from my lions, came and stood beside me, clad just in swaddling cloths. The cub looked over my slender, girligh shoulder and roared.
"Who's that auld fool and what is he up two?"
I grimaced, furrowed my hi knowledgable four head and replied testically, "That my boy, is Mr Archimedes, wan of the brainest peeple this world, or any other world has scene"
"What did he do then that was so grate?" roared the cub.
I made an arc of my fingers, crossed wan plump,leg seductively over the other and taut the cub in the following manner.
"Let me take you two Greese" I said. "All rite" yelled Bon Jovi "when are we going?"
"Know, know" I said "I am talking metaphysically. "LOng, long ago" said I "The peeple of Athens, were dying for water, they were lying in the streets, panting like auld dogs.
The wells had dried up and the weather forecast was, good, with long sunny periods.
Young Archimedes, was sitting in his tool shed, reeding the Athens Son, he saw the peeple dying from thirst and he put the paper down and said, "Low, the peeple need water, I must help them, but the water is deep under-ground. How kan I get the water up? I no, I wool build a big wooden screw, with a rite hand thread and bring the water up that way--and he did"
Bon Jovi picked his no's and said "He was some kid, look at all the would,"
"Yes" I said "It must have cost him a pretty penny at the local Athens B and Q"
"Pearhaps he went too Ikea and got it flat packed" said Bon Jovi
Then Bon Jovi broke wind and roared, "Hauld on, hauld on, did they knot have any bog wholes in Athens?"
"Know" I said "They were all filled in for the Olympic games"
"Makes sense two me" said Bon Jovi "the last thing you wood want two sea, is a javlin thrower up two the oxters in clabber. Mammy" said the cub "You're wild smart so you are, arn't you?"
"Yes, I is sun" I said "There are too things I am knot 'umble about and them too things is my grate beauty and my fierce intelligence".
"And yet" said Bon Jovi "Everyone in Clougher hates you and laughs at you behind your back" I felt my wattles turn red and the hare stood up on my head like a porkapine.
"Jelly-say" I said "Its what as known as the tall pansey syndrome"
"What's the tall pansey synadrome mammy?" said Bon Jovi.
"Its a biologial metorite" I said. "YOu have a bed of panseys, but wan of the pansey's is taller than the rest, so the other pansey's hate it because it is bigger than what they are."
"So much two learn--and so little thyme" muttered BOn Jovi.
Bon Jovi looked at a nettle and said "Wood that nettle be the tall pansey, because it is bigger that the rest?" "Yes it wood sun"
Bon Jovi glowered at the tall nettle-then he jumped too his feet, cut the nettle in half with a stick, and roared, "There youse is now boys, youse is all the same height and stamped off into the house, seeking food, drink or a slash.