NELLIE GUANO'S HOLLY-DAY

I was creeping furtively round Clougher, Sin city, the sex kapital of Europe. I was trying knot two touch anything in case I picked up wan of them auld SDLP diseases.
As I swung my hob-nailed boots round a korner, who did I sea but Nellie Guano,an auld skool friend of mine. At skool she was known as, auld Nellie wet the nickers, because of her juvinile incontenence. I heer she has grown out of it, except when she lets a hi shriek of a laugh or throws her leg on a mans bicycle. I hardly new Nellie, her big, round face was as red as a tomato and her auld stringy hare was all frizzled up into a perm, that wood have looked better on a poodle.
"Ah, Rosie" she shrieked, "watch the nickers Nellie" I muttered. "Ah, Rosie, long thyme know sea" "Aye it is Nellie" I said "the last thyme I saw you, the priest was racing you out of the confessional" "Ah, sure it was all a mistake" yelled Nellie.
"Sure the poor man thought I was confessing two adultry but what I said was-idolatry, since Gunter my husband bought me that wee brass Budda, I had took two preying two it". "And what did the priest say when he found out?" says I. "Ah, sure he laughed" said Nellie and said "its always a good idea two have too horses in the race.
But wheest" said Nellie "You'll never guess where Gunter and me has bean. Gunter sold a clatter of pigs and he came in and said, "Nellie, life is for living, throw a couple of pears of drawers in a case, you and me is for America"
"America?" I ejaculated "in the name of all that;s wholly" Aye, America" smirked Nellie. "We went two Tampon, which is in Florida. Ah, its grate out there,the son, the quizene, sure we ate nothing but chips and burgers the hole thyme we were there"
"Did youse sea President Bush?" I asked. "Nah" said Nellie "But we saw Micky Mouse. But its a dangerous plaice" said Nellie. "You have two watch yourself on the toilet, just before we landed, a man was having a shi--using the toilet, and a big alley-gater popped its head up and ate the mail accouterments of him"
"Did the poor man dye?" I asked. "Nah" said Nellie, "He's in the hospital in Tampon, getting spastic surgery".
"Ah, Tampon wouldn't be for me" I said "Give me a weak in Bundoran, plenty two eat, plenty two drink and an auld run on the dodgems and know fear of alley-gaters reaching for you bye the ars--rear"
"Aye, I suppose Bundoran is all you could afford" said Nellie, and the sun glinting of her big, red bleezer of a face. Me and Gunter has the pigs two fall back on, but all you have is a couple of scrawny hens, with cobwebs over their arse, its bean so long since they layed"
I bridled, bristled and blustered, "Get too hell" I guldered, !Who do you think you are, with your Florida and Tampons? You're nothing but a piss pot" I roared. "You haven't a dry pear of drawers in the house. Take thay big edigt Gunter and go and stay in America for all I care. Clear off out of my site" I yelled "And as far as I'm konserned, you and Gunter kan stick Tampon up youse arses"
And I flounced off in Hi dungeon full of ire anger and wild thraness.
I mellowed as I walked home threw the cunt'ry lanes,ah, the beauty of nature.
The hawthorns seemed two have net curtains thrown over them, curtains of white bloosoms. The whins were on fire, with yella, just waiting for auld Van Gogh two whip his brush out. The singing of the birds, the chirping of the crickets, the humming of the bee. Ireland, mother Ireland, where the hare runs free in the lush green lea, and silver salmon in the bright blew see.
Tampon? it's far from Tampon, auld Nellie wet the nickers was born.